Memento Mori
by Rainy D
Summary: This is not a dream. It's real. (shounen ai, excess swearing) (6/10)
1. Chapter One

Memento Mori  
  
By Rainy D  
  
A/N - Woo, another Gravi fic! I am trying to make this not total angst, though it will be in places. It's all about my fave character TOHMA! He rules! Everyone should love him lots, like me XD Oh, and it's about Mika too _ I hope you like it, please please please review it!  
  
Chapter One  
  
1995  
  
I'm at a wedding. There is young man sitting at one of the tables chatting quietly to my little brother. It looks like they're sharing a joke. He is swirling a glass of red wine in his slender hands. His suit is new and crisp and dark. His glasses perch on the bridge of his nose, sparkling slightly, illuminating his pale face. I'm make my way over to him slowly. Somebody gets in my way. I push them back, not gently. I have to meet this man, because it seems like he might disappear. He turns and spots me. He must recognise me, even though I've never seen him before. He smiles at me gently.  
  
"Useugi Mika-san? Your brother was just telling me about you."  
  
Said brother jumps up from his seat. Even though he is obviously older, in his twenties, this other man is not a lot taller than him.  
  
"Mika-neechan, this is Tohma." He says. His voice still hasn't broken, and he still sounds about 8. I smile at them both.  
  
"Nice to meet you, Tohma-san." I shake his hand. It's warm and soft, just like I would have thought. I decide I want to get to know him better. I ask him out on a date. He looks a little surprised, but agrees. I start to sit down, but mother calls me over to help get Tatsuha, my other brother, into the car. He's only 10 and it's getting late, so he wants to go home. I go to her, but not with one last look at this mysterious man who, if I'm feeling right, has already stolen my heart.  
  
*  
  
She was pretty, I won't deny that. I liked the way her coffee hair fell in front of her face neatly, and I liked her perfume. But really, if she hadn't of asked to see me again, I probably would have never got in contact with her again.  
  
I'm talking to her brother again now. Eiri, his name is. It's a nice name. I like the way it rolls off my tongue. He's talking, but I'm not really listening to what he's saying. I'm more looking at his eyes. They're blue like the sea, and they sparkle too. He's stopped talking now, just smiling at me. I think he's gathered I wasn't paying attention. He puts his head to the side and giggles a little, then puts his hand over mine on top of the table.  
  
I sit up dead straight.  
  
I move my hand away slowly.  
  
"Eiri...I have to go."  
  
His smile droops, the sparkle fades. I congratulate the bride and groom, then leave. The air is fresh and hits my face in a cool blast. I touch the back of my hand. Where his was. I pause for what must have been a long time, because when I look up, he's there sitting on the wall. His legs are swinging slightly and the wind blows his hair. The light from the reception shines on one side of him; the other is dark. He looks really beautiful like this.  
  
"Eiri, go back. Your parents will be looking for you."  
  
"They took Tatsuha back, remember?"  
  
I walk past him, not intending to stop, but he grabs my wrist.  
  
"I wanna see you again, too, Tohma."  
  
"...You can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
I can't look him in the eye. "Just because."  
  
He lets go. I walk away. I thought that would be the last of it.  
  
Hah.  
  
*  
  
"Mika-neechan, I'm going out!" And he's gone, just like that. I don't even have time to ask where. But I trust the kid. And besides, this gives me time to use the phone alone. I take a piece of paper off the table and dial the number on it. It rings a few times.  
  
"Moshi, moshi?"  
  
"Ah, Seguchi-san, it's Mika."  
  
"...Mika?"  
  
"...Usuegi...?"  
  
I twiddle with the phone wire. Has he forgotten me?  
  
"Oh! Gomen, I had forgotten. It's been a few days, I have the most atrocious memory." He's so well spoken, yet not stuck up. I love the sound of his voice. I can picture his face as he speaks to me. Just as handsome as I remember...  
  
"Do you still want to meet up?"  
  
"Of course, I'd be delighted. I know a great little place outside the town centre. If you've got a pen, I'll tell you where to meet me."  
  
He gives me the address. We agree to meet at eleven in the morning tomorrow. My hand is tingling when I put the phone down. He's so...perfect...  
  
*  
  
I put the phone down a little worriedly. I hope I didn't give her the wrong impression...  
  
"Who was that Tohma-chan?"  
  
I flop on the sofa next to Ryuichi. "Just a girl I met. No one special." And that's right. I think I'd like to be friends with Mika, but nothing more than that. Besides...  
  
"Ok, Tohma-chan!"  
  
I already have someone.  
  
As if to prove this point, he kisses my cheek, a little embarassed. It's strange, we've been together for nearly a year now, but he still seems embarassed when we kiss. I kiss him back; I can feel him smiling under my lips.  
  
Annoyingly, the doorbell rings. I decide I'm too busy with Ryuichi to deal with such trivialities, so I shout "Noriko! Please will you get that?" then turn my attention back to my boyfriend.  
  
"You fecking get it, lover boy! I'm BUSY!"  
  
I sigh, straighten my jacket and attempt to get off the sofa, which is no easy feat when someone is still trying to make out with you. I half drag Ryuichi to the door and open it just as he plants a kiss on my lips.  
  
"...Tohma?"  
  
I shove Ryuichi off violently. "Eiri! What...what are you doing here?"  
  
He grips his backpack's shoulder strap tightly. "I just...came to see if you were busy...It seems you are." He whispers the last bit. I feel awful. But then again, I DID tell him not to come see me. So it was his fault. Then why do I feel so bad?  
  
"OW TOHMA-CHAN! THAT HURT!" Ryuichi screams at me. Now everyone's mad at me. At least Ryuichi never stays angry long. He bounces behind up behind me and wraps his arms round my neck, peering over my shoulder at Eiri. "Oh, he's pretty Tohma-chan!" Eiri blushes bright red, but doesn't smile.  
  
"I should go."  
  
"Eiri...You got me at a bad time...Maybe...come back in a few days?"  
  
He shuts the door for me. His face is so sad, and just feel like the worst person alive. Now Ryuichi is frowning at me too. "WHO...was that?!" He says, sounding peeved.  
  
"Just...some boy I met..."  
  
"What, like the girl you met?"  
  
"...I guess so..."  
  
I slump on the sofa and don't look at him. I can hear Noriko banging around in the music room, occasionally dropping things and swearing loudly. I dread to think what she's doing to my keyboard.  
  
"Tohma-chan!"  
  
"Huh? G-gomen, Ryuichi..."  
  
He puts his hands on my knees and looks at me earnestly. "Tohma...I don't want to lose you. You do still...love me, right?"  
  
"Of course I do." And it's so true. I keep telling myself that. I do love him, I do...I kiss his forehead and hug him tightly. A loud "FUCKITY FUCK!" from Noriko spoils our moment, and Ryuichi giggles, back to normal. I smile at him. He's so cute.  
  
"Come on," I say, "Let's see what Noriko's up to."  
  
You may have guessed by now that I share a flat with two other people; Ryuichi, my boyfriend, and Noriko, Ryuichi's best friend. There's six big rooms, four on the ground floor, two upstairs. At first we all had a room, then there was the lounge, the kitchen and the bathroom, but after me and Ryuichi started dating, he moved into my room. So we invested some money, and split the other room, which is the biggest, into two. The smaller bit is for my piano. No one's allowed in there except me. The bigger one became our music room. Or 'crap corner' as we affectionately call it. The floor is a jungle of wires and assorted mikes, two keyboards, one in each corner and Ryuichi's guitar cupboard, as well as all the recording material. A bit of a squash, but we manage. Noriko in lying in a tangled heap on the wires. She is laughing quite manically.  
  
"I've finally finished!" She says in a cracking voice. "It's DONE!"  
  
No, she hasn't murdered someone. We've been recording a set of sound effects, rifts, scales, arrpegios and apeach samples for over a month now, and, with over 30 of each, Noriko has finished. She is currently jobless and had been spending all her time doing that.  
  
"Let's celebrate!" She cried, trying to put her hands up, but failing because of the wires wrapped round them.  
  
And so, we do. We order a huge indian take away, a few bottles of wine, and drag the hi fi into the lounge. We treat it as if we were going out somewhere posh, and all dress up for the occasion. Noriko wears the slinky dress I got her for her birthday for the first time. She looks stunning in it. Ryuichi wears a blood red shirt (open) and a pair of tight black trousers, and I have to stop myself from drooling. Even Noriko looks like she wants to eat him or something. I wear a black sleeveless top and black gloves that nearly reach my shoulder, and some blue leather trousers. It's almost a shame we aren't going out; we're wasting these clothes on ourselves. I suppose there's always next time.  
  
A few hours later, we are all considerably...drunk. Noriko is crawling around on the floor laughing at anything. Ryuichi has turned into a giggling heap in my lap. He was stoned after the first glass, let alone bottle. There seems to be two of everything, and I can't quite remember where I am or who I am, but I'm happy enough.  
  
The night is rather a blur, but I presume there was much sex, as I wake up naked in bed with equally naked Noriko and Ryuichi, both drooling on my chest. I hug them both, not so tight as to wake them, then get up carefully to get dressed. The headache kicks in as I drink my coffee. Ryuichi wanders in with his dressing gown on, rubbing his eyes and his head. "I don't...feel so good, Tohma-chan..." he moans groggily. Unlike most men his age (24), Ryuichi is rarely drunk. I think I've only ever seen him totally out of it twice, not including last night. His drops into a chair and thumps his head on the kitchen table. I stroke his hair softly.  
  
"It'll go away soon. Don't worry, you just had a bit too much to drink. We all did."  
  
He giggles, then grimaces in pain. "Ugh...I must have drunk a whole OCEAN of wine..." I kindly give him my coffee to sip on, then go find Noriko. She is sitting on the bed in her bra and knickers, trying to put her foot into her sleeve hole. I help her get dressed, guide her to the kitchen and make some strong, black coffee. She mumbles something I can't understand, but presume is thanks and walks shakily to the sofa. I look at Noriko's retreating form and at Ryuichi, each sip bringing more life into his eyes.  
  
Sure, this life isn't perfect. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  
  
*  
  
I stand on the street corner, nervously. He's late. He didn't look like the kind of person who is late. But he is, and this makes me worried.  
  
Oh god, I'm being so stupid. He's only ten minutes late. The traffic's probably bad or something. Yeah that's it. But even so, when I see him running down the street, I can't help thinking 'He didn't stand me up.'.  
  
"I am SO sorry!" He cries, running up to me, clutching his hat so it doesn't fall off. I give him a minute to catch his breath when he reaches me. He bends over, panting hard. Even though he looks thin, he probably doesn't work out much. I help him back up, but...I pull my hand away from his coat suddenly. Fur...what kind of guy wears black fur coats? I shrug it off. It actually looks really good on him. The black is such a stark contrast from the pale blonde of his hair. He smiles that pretty smile of his and offers his arm. I take it gladly and he walks me to this restaurant. We chat on the way, but he is still a bit breathless, so I do most of the talking. I tell him about my family, my friends, what I want in life, hobbies. Stuff like that. He tells me about his life and his love of music. He sounds just so...perfect! There is no other word I can describe him with!  
  
The restaurant is practically empty, and it's more of a bar really. There is just one other couple. I look at them and think 'I hope me and Tohma will be like that one day...'.  
  
"They're cute, aren't they?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
He nods in the couple's direction. "They come in here everyday, and always order the same drink. One large pina colada with two straws. It's sweet."  
  
I decide to go straight in. I'll start off with...subtle hints. "Yeah," I say dreamily, "Wouldn't it be nice to have that kind of relationship with someone? It must be very special." He nods. I don't think he's getting it. "Do you think it was love at first sight?"  
  
"Oh, I don't believe in that! I think people need to get to know each other before they fall in love." I sit up straight. So...he wants to be friends first? Ok, so I can live with that. I can wait.  
  
I can wait...  
  
*  
  
A few months pass. Eiri does not come to see me anymore, after that first disastrous visit, and this I am glad of. Mika, however, continues to meet up with me on a regular basis. I don't mind at all. In fact, I like it, and her, very much. She always has a lot to talk about. Unlike Ryuichi, she does not get bored with intelectual conversation, and unlike Noriko, she does not litter every sentence with a variety of swear words. Yes...I like her a lot.  
  
But I think she likes me too much.  
  
I think she's trying to flirt with me sometimes.  
  
Not all the time.  
  
But sometimes.  
  
It's...off-putting, to say the least.  
  
*  
  
A few months pass. Every time I see Tohma I fall deeper in love with him. He's so gorgeous and smart and polite...I love him. I think he might be starting to love me back. I can't be sure though. We see each other more now. It's great. I love every second I spend with him.  
  
However. Home life is not going so well. Eiri is slipping away. Something, soon after the wedding, happened to him, and he's changed. He's growing further and further away from his family, including me, and becoming more cold towards everyone. He sits in his room all day, writing stuff (he won't let anyone see), and he doesn't ever go out with his friends from school. In fact, I don't think he has any friends anymore. And I think he's started smoking. I saw him out in town on his own lighting up, but it was only a glance. It might not even have been him.  
  
Oh god.  
  
I should be paying more attention to Eiri.  
  
But all I can think about is Tohma.  
  
All the time everyday.  
  
Seguchi Tohma...I love you.  
  
*  
  
I trust Ryuichi with my life. But, up until now, I didn't trust him with my piano. So one day, I say, "Ryu-chan, would you like me to teach you how to play?"  
  
He looks at me, increduously. "But...I'm not allowed to touch your piano."  
  
"I'm asking you now. Yes or no."  
  
"H-hai! Of course!"  
  
I unlock the door to my own little music room (I have to only key), and let him in. He almost gasps. The walls are pure white, and the piano is jet black. I polish it every week, even though no one sees it. I let him sit on my bench, next to me and tech him all the notes ( he can already read music because of his guitar), and show him how to play the really easy stuff like When the Saints Go Marching In. He picks it up quickly. By the end of an hour, he can play that, Twinkle Twinkle, Jingle Bells and Happy Birthday. He looks like he's about to explode with joy.  
  
"Play me something!" He says happily.  
  
"Me?" I'm very shy about playing in front of people. I could barely learn because I didn't want to play for my teacher. But this is Ryuichi. This is different. "Ok."  
  
I play. I play Clair de Lune. I play The Heart Asks Pleasure First. I play Gnossienne No. 1. I play all my favourite songs. Ryuichi sits in the corner, with a glazed look on his face. When I stop, it doesn't leave.  
  
"Ryuichi..."  
  
He doesn't answer.  
  
"Ryu-chan!" I say louder. He snaps out of it.  
  
"Oh! S-sorry, I was just...That was so good Tohma."  
  
"Yeah well...There are people much better than me." I look at my watch. "It's late. Come on, we'd better go to bed."  
  
We do so. He lies, staring at the ceiling for a long time, before saying suddenly, "Do you love that other girl?"  
  
I sit up. "I love her like I love Noriko. Like a friend."  
  
He turns over, not wanting to look at me. His voice is quiet and childish. "You're always going out with her." I couldn't think of anything to say, so waited for him to go on. "You don't go out with me anymore."  
  
I wrap my arms around him and kiss the back of his neck. "Ryuichi...I'm sorry. Tomorrow, we'll go out then. And how about you come out with Mika- san and me one day, to get to know her? How does that sound?"  
  
"Ok...It sounds Ok."  
  
But he still doesn't sound so sure.  
  
Ryuichi...  
  
How could you doubt me?  
  
I trust you with my life.  
  
I trust you with my piano.  
  
*  
  
I haven't seen Tohma for a few days, until he calls up out of the blue. He asks me if I want to go have dinner tomorrow night. He's never asked me to dinner before, always lunch. It's seems like a...a real date, until  
  
"Is it alright if I bring along a friend?"  
  
"Uh...Yeah, of course, that's fine."  
  
We arrange it all.  
  
I spent all the next day wondering who this mysterious friend is. Even Eiri, who barely talks to anyone now, asks me why I'm being so distance. I am inclined to laugh, as he is the most distant person I've ever met now, but refrain for fear of upsetting him.  
  
The evening comes, at last, and I get really dressed up. I even wear earrings, which I never do normally. But this is special. My special date with Tohma.  
  
He picks me up at seven in his new red sports car, which I helped him pick out. I ask him where his friend is. He says he's meeting us at the restaurant because he wasn't ready in time to go. I let out a slight sigh of relief. I was a bit worried that he was bringing his girlfriend along. Thank god I was wrong.  
  
We pull into the posh side of town and up to a restaurant that looks like you have to pay to wipe your feet on the mat. I ask Tohma if this isn't a bit expensive. He smiles and says of course not. I smile back. This really must be a date.  
  
The friend is waiting nervously outside. His stance reminds me of myself when I though Tohma was late for our first meeting. He is dressed up too, although his fashion sense is different from Tohma's. At first I think his hair is black, but when he moves into the light, I can see it's a dark olive colour. He seems quite nice.  
  
He and Tohma greet each other with a hug. I hang back, unsure what to make of this. They must be very close friends. I see the other man smile for the first time. Tohma pulls him over by the hand towards me.  
  
"Mika-san, this is Sakuma Ryuichi. Ryu-chan, Useugi Mika."  
  
Ryu...chan...? Whoa, whoa, did I hear him right?  
  
Ok, calm down Mika. It's really common to say that to your friends. Nothing to worry about. God, I'm being so stupid! This is my date with Tohma. Because he loves me. Of course he does. We walk in. It's even more glamorous inside than I though. Tohma and Ryuichi don't seem to think it's anything out of the ordinary. They are talking between themselves. Ignoring me. I can't help wishing I'd said no when Tohma asked if he could bring someone.  
  
We sit at the table and I am now included in the conversation. Tohma does most of the talking. He tells Ryuichi about me and me about Ryuichi. We order starters. Tohma tells us an amusing thing that happened to him at work yesterday. Neither of us laugh. We both seem very apprehensive about all this. Tohma's laughing fades out nervously. We all sit and stare at the table until the starters come.  
  
Then everything happens.  
  
Ryuichi seems to cheer up at the sight of food and shovels his prawns into his mouth, but not messily. Tohma and I eat our melon and berries and talk about shopping. It's weird that Tohma likes all the things I like (even the girly things), but then again, it's great, because he doesn't object when we go shopping or see chick flicks at the cinema and things like that. It makes him even more perfect.  
  
Tohma gets a bit of raspberry sauce on his cheek. He doesn't seem to notice. I'm about to point it out, when Ryuichi says, "Oh, Tohma-chan, you got food on you. Here." and he licks it off.  
  
My mind is screaming.  
  
Did I miss something here?!  
  
And the thing that shocks me most is that Tohma doesn't move!  
  
He even says thank you!  
  
I look at him, then Ryuichi, then back at Tohma. They are tucking into their food again as if nothing has happened.  
  
No. Wait. Back up. Maybe nothing has happened. Maybe...maybe this Ryuichi always acts like this. I mean, he probably thinks it's alright. He's probably gay. That doesn't mean Tohma is too. Of course. Of course, yes, that must be it.  
  
I pop a piece of melon into my mouth with a satisfied smile.  
  
The rest of the starters and the gap between meals is uneventful. With food in his stomach, Ryuichi is more lively. Through his gabbled conversation, I pick up that they live together. Explains why they're so close. Ryuichi warms to me and starts telling me embarrassing stories about Tohma, who goes bright red and tries to stop him. Even though I try not to, he's quite funny, and I laugh. I almost forget when happened before, until the main meal comes. We are all sharing a big, set meal, and Ryuichi gets stuck right in, piling the food up on his plate. Tohma takes a little of everything, and I take the stuff that doesn't look really disgusting. I'm not very used to posh food. There are only bits of lemon chicken though, so Tohma says we can have them. Ryuichi cuts a bit off and chews on it thoughtfully. I wonder what he's thinking about. Then he smiles at me and at Tohma. We smile back. Ryuichi is nice but...a little odd. He cuts another piece of chicken and says to Tohma, "Do you want to try it?" Tohma says, "If you don't mind.". I think Ryuichi is going to give him the fork, but instead, Tohma leans over and bites it off slowly. "It's nice." He says. I stare for a bit, then shrug it off.  
  
Everything goes back to normal. The food is nice, so is the dessert. I have a nice time with Tohma and Ryuichi. I think it'd be good to do this again sometimes. But not all the time. I like Ryuichi, but he's a bit weird, and I'd rather have Tohma on my own.  
  
It's cold outside and I pull my jacket around me tightly. Tohma is talking to Ryuichi.  
  
"I'll meet you back at the flat, ne?"  
  
"Are you taking her home?"  
  
"Yes, I'll only be a minute."  
  
"Ok, Tohma-chan."  
  
I go over to the car, thinking Tohma is behind me, but he's not. He's still with Ryuichi. He's got his hands on Ryuichi's waist and Ryuichi's got his around Tohma's neck. I stare. They are talking again, but I can't hear them.  
  
Ryuichi kisses Tohma.  
  
On the lips.  
  
Twice.  
  
Then Tohma kisses Ryuichi. A proper kiss.  
  
I stare.  
  
I can't quite take it all in.  
  
My Tohma is...kissing another guy?  
  
But...why?  
  
I...He...  
  
He doesn't love me...?  
  
*  
  
Ryuichi's giggling again. He always giggles when I kiss him. But then he suddenly stops. "Should...you be kissing me in front of her?"  
  
"I doesn't matter. She's only a friend." I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't. I knew she liked me as more than that. But I just...I was caught up in the moment. I kissed him again, but, surprisingly, he pushed me away.  
  
"No, Tohma. Not in front of her."  
  
I pause, then nod. We say a quick goodbye, then part ways.  
  
I know Mika saw. I feel terrible, because I can see the tears in her eyes. And yet I didn't stop. I was just caught up in the moment I suppose, without a consideration for her feelings. I'm...horrible...  
  
But still I manage to smile.  
  
"Come on, Mika-san, let's get you home."  
  
*  
  
It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself he doesn't love me, I can't stop loving Tohma. I tell myself he's got Ryuichi and that I'm just his friend, but...god, it drives me to tears.  
  
I should hate Ryuichi too. But I can't even do that. He's cute and funny...How can I hate him? Every time I see him and Tohma holding hands or laughing together, this seething rage bubbles inside me, but as soon as either of them turns and smiles at me, it melts away and I come and join them.  
  
The weather turns cold. It starts to snow every so often. December comes. And the wonderful happens.  
  
"Mika-san, we're having a Christmas party. Would you like to come?"  
  
Of course I agree! It'll mean more time with Tohma, I'll finally get to meet Noriko, and, guilty though I am with thinking about it, I do quite like the whole present side of Christmas. I spend the next week deciding what to get everyone.  
  
Eiri is easy.  
  
I buy him a new fountain pen and a pot of refill ink, a pad of high quality paper, and a chunky novel I saw him looking at a few days ago.  
  
Tohma is quite easy too.  
  
I was browsing and stumbled across a glove and scarf set I think he'll love. They were quite expensive; on import from Britain, but I heard it was a really popular make over there. Burberry, it's called. Brown with a tartan pattern. They'll look great on him.  
  
Ryuichi is a little more difficult.  
  
At first I wondered about getting him a cuddly toy; he's childish like that. But then I though even though he acts young, he's a grown man, and that would be a little patronising. So I settle for a pin badge of a pink rabbit, his favourite animal.  
  
Noriko is the hardest. I know almost nothing about her, apart from that she swears a lot. I buy her a rock CD from America. I don't understand most of it, but it has a good beat.  
  
I settle for the usual set of sandals for my father. So. That's me done. All that's left now is to wait for that party...  
  
Surprisingly, Christmas comes very soon. The morning and afternoon are fairly dull. Eiri seems pleased with his presents and grants me one of his rare smiles. He got me a new dress. It's not quite what I would have chosen, but it's alright, and I'll make sure to wear it when he's around so he can see I appreciate it. We have lunch, then later dinner, and after that I go out. Tohma's flat isn't too far, so I walk.  
  
A red faced, purple haired girl around my age opens the door. "You selling anything?" She says warily.  
  
"No, I-"  
  
"Great! Come on in!"  
  
I am slightly surprised, but let her guide me in. I presume I have met Noriko. She shouts into a room that someone's here, and I hear Tohma cry back, "Mika-san! We're in the lounge, come through!"  
  
Tohma and Ryuichi are sitting around in their pyjamas on the lounge floor. I suddenly realise Noriko is in her nightdress too. I suddenly feel overdressed and very aware of the half naked, possible tipsy people around me. I take in my surroundings. The room is quite big, with a TV, sofa and two armchairs. There is a glass table pushed to one side, and a Christmas tree in another corner. The walls and floor are scattered with tinsel, baubles and, to my slight dismay, clothes. It's so...free. I feel like anything could happen here. It's such a different feeling than the one I get at home. I can't help grinning.  
  
Tohma takes my coat, shoes and gloves and I join them on the floor. "We waited for you to come until we opened our presents." Ryuichi said happily. He's holding a glass of wine, but sipping it cautiously as if he is wary of getting drunk. Maybe he gets bad hangovers. I take the three small parcels out of my bag and hand them around. Noriko looks at hers in surprise.  
  
"Oh hey, I'm really sorry. I didn't get you anything cos, you know, I don't really know you..." I had expected that. I tell her it's ok and that I'm sorry her present is quite small as I didn't know what to get. She opens her first. "Wow! Hey, good pick, this is one of my favourite bands! Thanks Mika!" I'm glad and relieved I got her the right thing. She opens her other presents too. Tohma and Ryuichi both got her punky clothes. She hugs them tightly. I can tell they're all really good friends. I hope I'm that tight knit with them one day.  
  
Tohma comes next. He really loves his gloves and scarf, which is great. Noriko got him something new for his keyboard; I'm not sure what. Ryuichi got him a classical CD and a new hat. Tohma gives him a big kiss as thanks. Something jealous sparks in my and I clench my fist, but after a while it passes.  
  
I'm next. Tohma and Ryuichi both go into one of the other rooms and come back with a really big present. They say it's from both of them. I open it, feeling as excited as I used to when I was a little girl.  
  
"Oh my..."  
  
It's a large photo of the three of us outside the fountain at Odiaba Park. We went there one day for a bit of fun, and some tourist took our photo...And they mounted and framed it and everything...I feel breathless. They both hug me, one on each side. I squeak a thank you, then wait for Ryuichi to open his present.  
  
Noriko got him a leather jacket, but it's mine and Tohma's presents that surprise all of us. Tohma got him a pink rabbit plushie, the exact same one that is on the pin badge I gave him.  
  
"Hey! Was that a set or something?" Noriko asks. We shake our heads. I didn't know there was a toy of it too. "Well!" Noriko purs her hands on her hips. "What a coinkydink!"  
  
I burst out laughing. Everyone stares at me. "S-sorry...But, coinkydink? I've just never heard anyone say that." We all laugh; Noriko mock pouts. I look around me. These people...they live their lives like this...I wish...I wish I'd always known them...  
  
The night goes on. We watch tacky Christmas films. We talk about our childhood Christmases. We talk about future Christmases. Ryuichi and Tohma kiss under the mistletoe. Even though I still love him so much, I don't feel jealous. It might be the wine talking, but I think I've finally accepted that if Tohma is happy, then I'm happy. And that's the kind of love that some people only dream about.  
  
We sit around at midnight, eating party sausages, and Tohma suddenly says, "A toast!" He holds up his wine glass. "A toast to old friends and new friends." Noriko and I hold our glasses up. "A toast to love." Ryuichi puts his up too, even though it's only got water in it. "A toast to what has come and what will come." He talks seriously now. "A toast that is a promise. A promise to stay friends forever." We clink out glasses together and all cry, "Forever!"  
  
And as I drink, I get the most incredible feeling.  
  
For the first time in my life, I feel like I really belong.  
  
And it's the best feeling I've had in ages.  
  
I'm young, I'm in love, and I've got the best friends anyone could ask for.  
  
Ok, so I still have problems. The man I love is gay. Can't be helped.  
  
Sure, this life isn't perfect.  
  
But I wouldn't trade it for the world. 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two  
  
1996  
  
Life for me is...less than brilliant at the moment. Noriko is still jobless and the rent has gone up. The neighbours keep complaining our music is too loud. Ryuichi and I argue a lot. Noriko keeps talking about moving house. My mother died. I often come home from work to find the house a complete mess, and Ryuichi sitting in the middle of it, crying.  
  
The only time I can escape it all is when I'm with Mika.  
  
But even that has a problem now.  
  
I...I think I'm falling in love with her brother.  
  
I keep thinking about him, even though I've only seen him twice. She talks about him a lot, and I can see him in my mind, smiling at me. So I am seeing Mika less; for my own good, as it keeps my mind off Eiri, and for Ryuichi's sake too. When we argue, it's usually about how I'm seeing Mika too much and he doesn't like it. So I say something about not being able to see my friends because he 'doesn't like it'? And then we start shouting and he storms to our bedroom, so I can't go there, so I go to my piano's room and play it very loudly and violently. Sometimes, when he's really mad, he shouts through the wall telling me to shut up because my shitty playing is annoying him.  
  
That happens all the time now. I hate it. But I can't help it. And the only way I can think to avoid it is...well, breaking up for a while. And even though I don't want to do this, I have to. I just...need to get away.  
  
"Ryuichi."  
  
He looks up.  
  
"Ryu...we need to talk."  
  
We are being alright with each other at the moment, so I motion for him to come sit in my lap. "I know...things haven't been great with us lately, and I think...I think we should have...like, a break for a while..."  
  
He turns around and looks in my eyes. "You mean...go in different rooms or something?" I shake my head slowly. "I'm going away for a while...I'm going to America, Ryuichi, for half a year. I think...that's best..."  
  
He doesn't say anything for ages, and I watch the tears welling up in his eyes. Then, very suddenly, he slaps me incredibly hard.  
  
"I HATE YOU!" He screams. "You fucking bastard, go to fucking America! Just get the fuck out of my life!" And he goes, slamming the door after him.  
  
I press my hand to my cheek. It hurts.  
  
But I don't cry.  
  
I have to do this.  
  
It's what's best.  
  
I think...  
  
*  
  
"F-father..."  
  
"What is it, Mika?"  
  
"Is it alright if...if a friend stays here for a few nights? Only, he...needs a place to go..."  
  
"...Alright. If it will make you happy."  
  
"Thank you, Father."  
  
*  
  
"I'm leaving now." It's a few days after I told him. Noriko is crying. She didn't think I'd actually go. Well, I'm not leaving for America for two weeks yet; Mika was kind enough to let me stay at her place until then. "So...I'll see you..." Ryuichi hasn't spoken to me since then, and it doesn't look like he will now either.  
  
I get a weird feeling as I close the door of the apartment. It's like I'm shutting the door on an era. And I have a horrible feeling that everything's going to change, maybe not for the best. I take a taxi down to Mika's house. She told me it was a temple, actually, and her father is a monk. We pull up very soon. I didn't know it was that close. I take my suitcase up to the door and knock gently. A young boy, who could be Eiri's twin were he older, opens the door. "Ah! You must be Oneechan's friend. She's waiting for you." I nod in thanks, and find Mika standing in the doorway. I suddenly feel...overcome, like I really need to cry. I don't, but hug her tightly. "Thanks." I say quietly.  
  
When I feel a bit better, she shows me to what will be my room. It is, to put it crudely, fairly bog standard, but it'll do. I presume her's and her brothers' rooms are nicer. Which reminds me.  
  
"Is...Eiri around?" I ask cautiously.  
  
"He's out back," Mika points, "He's just having a fag."  
  
"He smokes?"  
  
"Yes, but please don't tell my Father..."  
  
I say of course not, put my case down, and go outside. Eiri is sitting on an old fence, as Mika said, smoking. His face looks...older, wiser, maybe.  
  
"Go away, I don't want to talk to you."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I just-"  
  
He turns around, startled, and jumps off the fence. "T-Tohma! What are you...Why...Why are you here?"  
  
"Mika didn't tell you? I'm staying for a few weeks, before I go to America."  
  
He crushes his cigarette on the floor and runs over to me. "You're going away? Why?" "I just need some time for myself." He looks so cute, and I have a sudden urge to ruffle his hair. But I don't.  
  
I can't.  
  
I...  
  
Can't.  
  
*  
  
I can hear them talking, Tohma and Eiri. Well, sort of. They're muffled through the door, and I can't actually make out exact words, but I can hear it when one of them starts shouting or goes quiet, and I can tell who's talking. Suddenly they go quiet for a really long time. I wonder if I should knock on the door and see what's wrong, but then Tohma says something. Ah! He's coming to the door!  
  
I make it look like I wasn't eavesdropping. Tohma comes out and gives me a kind of sorrowful look that makes me feel sad too. He motions for me to sit with him in his room, and I do so. "Mika-san..." He takes my hand. I feel a pleasant tingle up my spine, but it seems like he's got something important to say, so I ignore it. "Mika- san, I was speaking to Eiri-kun...He...He would like to come to America with me."  
  
Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that. I pull my hand back, which surprises him and me. If he ever touched me before, I would make it linger as long as possible. But this...I'm... "He...I think...Why?" It's the only thing I can say. Why? Does he hate me? Tatsuha? Our Father? Why does he want to go?  
  
"He has told me he's being bullied at school."  
  
The second thing that comes as a shock. "Why?" I still can't find any other words.  
  
"His looks, mostly. And he hasn't...matured yet. Do you understand?"  
  
I nod slowly. I suppose...I never even thought about that. I'd gotten used to the way he looked, but now I think about it, he doesn't...he never really looked very Japanese...Father often asks him to dye his hair or something...I guess...he'd fit in in America.  
  
I realise I am breathing very fast. Not just because of the shock; Tohma is sitting so close to me. I want to hold him and kiss him and...I...  
  
"What do you think, Mika-san? He asked me to come to you first, as Useugi- san listens to you more."  
  
I swallow. My throat is really dry.  
  
"What about...school and...prices...flight...things like..." I am finding it so hard to talk. "I know someone who lives over there. He's a private tutor, his name is Kitazawa Yuki-sensei. And don't worry about the price. I am renting an apartment there where he can live with me, and the flight is no problem."  
  
I just...can't take it all in. Eiri...why do you hate us?  
  
"Mika-san."  
  
He's so close. I can feel his breath on my lips. He's...oh my god...he's going to...  
  
He's going to kiss me.  
  
I have waited so long for this moment in my life, and it's so much better than I ever imagined. I put my hand on his neck and pull him closer, even though there's no space between us. He mumbled something into my lips, but I don't hear and I don't care.  
  
Seguchi Tohma is kissing me.  
  
Me.  
  
If I was standing up, I would've collapsed long ago.  
  
He pulls away suddenly, and gets up, but doesn't go.  
  
"Anything..." I whisper. "I'll do anything for you...Tohma..."  
  
*  
  
Kami-sama!  
  
I can't believe myself.  
  
I can't believe I kissed her.  
  
And what's even worse...  
  
I said Ryuichi's name.  
  
And I was thinking about Eiri-kun.  
  
I'm...god, I'm sick...  
  
"Tohma?"  
  
Just...leave me alone...I don't deserve for you to be around me...  
  
"What...did she say?"  
  
I bury my head in my hands. "Yes." I say blankly. "She said yes."  
  
He wraps his arms tightly around me and says "Oh! Thank you, Tohma!"  
  
"Get OFF me!" I shout at him, pushing him back. He hits the wall. I'm just making it worse. I just...  
  
Kami-sama...  
  
*  
  
Things change the week before they leave. Eiri becomes much happier, like he used to be. Tohma, on the other hand, barely talks at all, and he looks like he hasn't had much sleep. He was always polite, but now he's always apologising and saying please and thank you when he doesn't need too.  
  
Me too...I'm not as happy as I should be. The two people I love most in the world are leaving me. I doesn't matter how many times I tell myself they'll be back in a few months, it seems like forever.  
  
I wish they weren't going.  
  
But...  
  
I'm just a selfish bitch.  
  
Aren't I?  
  
*  
  
We're at the airport.  
  
The mood is less than thrilled. Everyone except Eiri is depressed. Noriko came to see us off. Ryuichi still won't call me. Our flight's being called. My arms and legs feel like lead. I'm wondering if this was a bad idea.  
  
Noriko hugs me so tightly I can't breathe.  
  
"You'd better come back, alright?" She doesn't let go for a good 3 minutes.  
  
Mika is very distant. I think...this might sound conceited, but I think she's so shocked, she can't cry. She stares into space until I come over to her. She's grown, I think, since I first met her. She's almost as tall as me now. Maybe when I come back, she'll be taller. I don't know. I need to kiss her. I can't, I can't, I shouldn't...but I have to...Noriko and Eiri aren't expecting it...the mood gets even lower.  
  
I bet Noriko will tell Ryuichi.  
  
I pull away quickly and pat Mika on the shoulder awkwardly. Last boarding. We go. Eiri gives me a strange look, and grips my hand tightly. I'm so tired, I can't even be bothered to tell him not to. We board the plane.  
  
I vaguely remember taking off.  
  
The next thing I saw was Eiri telling me we were landing.  
  
I'm so tired...  
  
We get a taxi to the apartment. I drift in and out of sleep all the way. It's late, but it's still busy. Eiri looks sleepy now as well. Eventually, we arrive. I drag the two heavy suitcases upstairs and Eiri takes the shoulder bag. Thank god it's only two flights up. I drop the cases as soon as we get in. I don't even look around. I wander until I find the bathroom, take a piss, then find the bedroom. We'd agreed to get a fold out sofa for me to sleep on, as there's only one bedroom in the apartment, and until then I'd sleep on the couch, but I'm just so tired I flop down on the double bed right there. Eiri lays beside me, twining his fingers around mine. He falls asleep straight away.  
  
And a few minutes later, so do I.  
  
When I wake up, he's snuggled right up in my arms, still fast asleep. He so adorable, and - no. No, I can't think about that. But...  
  
Wait. Think about this. Ryuichi will probably never look me in the eye again, let alone be my boyfriend. Mika is just my friend. I have no feelings in that way for her. So, technically, I am single. And so is Eiri, as far as I know. Maybe...maybe, just in America we could...I mean, secretly, of course...  
  
No. No, he's too young. And so...cute...  
  
"Nn...Tohma?"  
  
"Yes, Eiri-san?"  
  
"Is this a dream?"  
  
"...No...At least, I hope not." I smile at him. He smiles back, then flops back onto the bed. This is going to be nice, I think. A nice break from everything. A change. Change is good. Today we can just wander around the apartment building, get to know some people, then tomorrow I'm going to arrange Eiri's tutoring and see about applying for a job, and everything will be perfect.  
  
I get up slowly, taking my time, taking in my surroundings. The bedroom is big and pale and silky. The carpet is soft under my bare feet. It feels the same all over the house, except in the kitchen where there are wooden floorboards. Everything about this apartment is big and grand. I feel glad Eiri is with me; it must be easy to get lonely here. I go into the kitchen and see if there is any food in the fridge. The landlord has kindly left us a large bottle of water, some bread and milk and butter. I butter a few slices of bread and chew on one as I make my way back to the bedroom.  
  
I can heard Eiri rustling around the room, up now. I take him his 'breakfast' and he eats it gratefully. Neither of us speak for a while, but the silence is not awkward. It's pleasant, as if we don't need to talk because we are both feeling quite content.  
  
After my small but strangely filling breakfast, I fumble in my suitcase for a clock. 11:00! I don't think I've ever slept in this late. I put it on the bedside table, and just as I do, the doorbell rings. Eiri and I look at each other. I shrug and say, "I'll get it."  
  
It turns out to be our neighbours from either side, welcoming us to the building. I invite them in. On the left flat is an ageing American couple, Mary and John. On the right flat are two British girls who tell me they only moved in a month ago. They're staying for a year to earn money as nurses (apparently the pay is much better here), then returning home. I am surprised how much English I remember from my school years. I'd been brushing up the last weeks I was at Mika's, but I'm finding it quite easy to understand what they're saying.  
  
"Who is it, Tohma?" Eiri walks in in his pyjamas, rubbing his eyes. He stops dead when he sees my small audience, bows nervously and says "G-good morning." with a very thick accent. We used to have classes after school that taught us how to perfect our accents, but obviously they don't do that any more.  
  
"Oh, you're not from around here?" Mary asks curiously.  
  
"We come from Japan." She seems a little...I don't know, annoyed maybe? I wonder why. "Is this your son?" Eiri looks visibly peeved. He always looked young for his age.  
  
"No, he's..." What? What can I say? Oh yes, this is my friends brother, who I just happen to fancy? "He's just my friend." That's totally inadequate, but will have to do.  
  
"What are you saying, Tohma?" Eiri doesn't understand. I explain who these people are and he laughs when I say Mary though he was my son. Kelly, one of the girls, asks our names, and I tell her, mentally kicking myself for being so impolite.  
  
I make tea for everyone, and we all sit and have a really good conversation. It reminds me of my chats with Mika. Mary and John tell us about things that have happened to them over the years. They has really exciting lives. I wish my life is as good as theirs. Kelly and Sarah tell us about the little village they come from in England. It sounds so different from Japan, so strange. I tell them about my love for music. Eiri sits and listens patiently, trying to pick up any words he knows.  
  
After everyone leaves, Eiri and I do the washing up. This place is so...pleasant. The traffic down below reminds me of Japan. I do miss home, but...I'm looking forward to my time here. It'll be fun, I can tell.  
  
Yet...yet something at the back of my mind is telling me something's going to go wrong...  
  
I ignore it.  
  
Time passes. There is nothing to do, so while Eiri is unpacking, I find my telephone book and dial one of the numbers.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"This is Seguchi Tohma. I rang you before about lessons?"  
  
"Ah, yes! For, let me remember...Useugi?"  
  
"That's right, Useugi Eiri."  
  
"Splendid. So when does he want to start?"  
  
"As soon as possible."  
  
"Great, bring him around on Monday then. You have my address?"  
  
"Yes. Well, I'll see you on Monday then."  
  
"Goodbye."  
  
I put the phone down.  
  
Kitazawa Yuki...  
  
He seems nice enough. 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three  
  
A/N - Heyo! I am so happy about all the reviews I'm getting! They make me so happy! This chapter is mostly Tohma again . Also, I apologise for suddenly switching from Eiri-san to Eiri-kun, but I realised that Tohma says 'kun' in that bit and had to change it. So you know what's coming in this chapter...  
  
1997  
  
My god, I think I'm going insane! I never realised...never saw how big a role Tohma plays in my life. With him gone, and Eiri too, I have nothing to think about, no one to talk to. Sure, I go out with my other friends some nights, but it's not the same. I need them, both of them! I gotta call them. I don't care how much it costs, I need to talk to them.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Tohma! I'm so glad you're home!"  
  
"M-Mika-san! I thought that your father said you weren't to call, only write letters?"  
  
"I'll pay him back the cost." I don't care if we talk for an hour or a minute, just hearing his beautiful voice is enough. "How are things?"  
  
"America is lovely. Eiri-kun is getting on well with his lessons, and I've managed to find a little job to pay for the rent and food and things."  
  
"How are you coping with the language?"  
  
"Not too badly. There's a lot of slang words I don't know, but apart from that, I'm okay. Eiri-kun is also getting English lessons with his tutor, and he has learnt all the basics." I'm paying no attention to what he's saying. I don't care about anything, only him. Only his voice. "And you?" "Oh, I'm doing just fine." Which, of course, is the biggest lie of my life. We talk for ages about nothing and I sink into a kind of day dream like trance. It's wonderful.  
  
"Oh." He says eventually. "Eiri-kun has come home. Would you like to talk to him?"  
  
"Yes please."  
  
I hear him call Eiri in the background, then there is a cracking as he picks up the phone. "Mika-neechan?"  
  
"Eiri...It's so great to hear your voice!"  
  
"You too Oneechan." We talk as well, mostly about his lessons. For some reason I look at my watch, then nearly drop the phone in shock. "I'm so sorry Eiri, I have to go! I've been on the phone for nearly 2 hours!" He laughs. A sound that I haven't heard for a long time, even when he was at home. It's a nice sound. I wish he laughed more.  
  
"Well, I sent you a letter the other day, so it should reach you soon. I...I miss you, Mika-neechan."  
  
"I miss you too Eiri." I feel like I wanna cry. "Can you put Tohma on the phone for a sec?"  
  
"Okay then...Bye, I guess..."  
  
"Bye..."  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Just wanted to say bye!"  
  
Tohma laughs too. My heart flutters in my chest.  
  
"Goodbye, then!"  
  
"Goodbye, Mika-san."  
  
I grip the phone hard. I've gotta say it. I've just got to. "I...I love you, Tohma."  
  
There is such a long pause. God, I said the wrong thing, he's gonna hate me forever, he's got Ryuichi, I just-  
  
"I love you too, Mika."  
  
And the way he said it, I knew he didn't mean like a friend. I put the phone down and nearly scream. Tohma loves me! I can't believe it! I replay it over and over in my mind. He actually said it! This is incredible! I run into the garden and lean over the fence and scream to the world "TOHMA LOVES ME!" and I scare all the birds away, but I don't care!  
  
I'm crying.  
  
This is the first time I've ever cried out of...  
  
Happiness.  
  
I love you, Tohma.  
  
And you love me too.  
  
*  
  
I do.  
  
Do I?  
  
I'm not sure.  
  
I think I do. I mean, I kissed her. Twice. And I really like being with her. And she is pretty. Yes. I do. I do love Mika. I smile to myself. I feel somehow proud that I've come to this conclusion, though I'm not sure why. I feel strangely calm. In the back of my mind, I know that I should love Ryuichi, and I know that I do love Eiri, but I keep telling myself that really I love Mika. It's a nice feeling. It feels like I'm drunk, but actually I'm not.  
  
I'm not making any sense, am I?  
  
Eiri interrupts my pleasant stream of thought. He has had a shower and changed and his wet hair is dripping on me. I don't really mind though. I motion for him to come sit by me, but instead he pushes me back gently onto the sofa and lies on top of me. He's quite strong really.  
  
"Tell me about your day." I always ask him this when he comes home.  
  
"Me and Yuki did some history and geography and English today. The geography was boring, I don't like it much. In history he was telling me all about this man who helped black people in America get justice. It was really good. And in English we did about our families and friends." His face is very close to mine. I wanna kiss him... "And I learned to say My friend is Tohma. I like him bestly." I laugh.  
  
"That's not quite right. It's He is my best friend."  
  
"Yeah. That." His voice has gone really quiet. He looking at me with an expression I've never seen before. It's really...sexy. Even though I love Mika. And I want him to kiss me. Even though I kissed Mika.  
  
I-I'm not thinking right. I push him off roughly. "Tohma!" His voice is close to a shout. "Eiri-kun, you shouldn't do that."  
  
"Why not?! You want it too!"  
  
Two things surprise me about that one sentence. First, it means he knows how I feel about him. And second, he said 'too'. Could he...? I...  
  
"No!" I cry, to myself more than him. "I love Mika, not you!"  
  
He looks at me, shocked, and I look back with the same expression. "No you don't!" He shouts, then runs out of the room and locks himself in the bathroom, the only door with a lock. He's ten years younger than me. He's just a kid.  
  
And I'm a monster.  
  
I hand my head in my hands. I need some time alone. But no. Fate is against me today. The phone rings. I consider leaving it, but I'm too polite to do that.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Tohma! Listen!"  
  
"Noriko? Wha-"  
  
"Just shut up and listen."  
  
I hear her place the phone on the floor. Then I hear the most beautiful sound I have heard in my life.  
  
Ryuichi is singing.  
  
Ryuichi never sings. He claims he's too shy. But he's singing now. It's a song full of sadness. It breaks my heart. It's a song about love. I know what it's about. It's one he didn't write for Noriko to sing. He wrote it for himself. And for me.  
  
Then suddenly, he stops. As if he knows I'm listening and doesn't want me to hear. Noriko picks up the phone again.  
  
"Wasn't it beautiful?"  
  
"He's got such a good voice."  
  
"...Oh, shit! Fuck, Tohma, I gotta go! Ryuichi, stop! STO-"  
  
She slams the phone down as suddenly as she called. I am left thoroughly...confused.  
  
Days pass slowly. Eiri is not childish enough to stop talking to me, but he rarely does, and sits in the bedroom all the time. He says he's doing homework, but I distinctly remember him saying Kitazawa-san doesn't set him any. Until the other day, I had been sleeping in the bedroom with him on the double bed, but now I've moved to the sofa like we planned.  
  
Eiri often goes to see Kitazawa-san outside of 'school-hours'. I don't like it. But I'm probably just jealous. He's gone this evening. It's a horrible evening, after a nice day. The weather changes so quickly here.  
  
I feel so uneasy. I jut feel like something terrible is going to happen. I know it. I pace the room worriedly. The phone rings, making me jump. I hope it's Noriko or Mika, or even Ryuichi, although he probably never wants to speak to me again. It isn't.  
  
It's Kitazawa-san.  
  
He sounds drunk. I hope Eiri's left. He says some things I don't understand and can't make out properly. I think about putting the phone down and leaving him to his drunken ravings. "Wanna speak to Eiri?" He slurs. I freeze. I presume he holds the phone out into the room, but I can't hear properly.  
  
There are voices.  
  
And sounds.  
  
I...  
  
I can't quite...  
  
Hear...  
  
...  
  
Oh god...  
  
I drop the phone and run. I kick the door open, run down the stairs, down the dark streets. They're crowded. People get in my way. I shove them out of the way. Some woman is shouting at me. I don't care. I just run. I run until my legs feel like they want to collapse. But I can't let them. I don't look at the time. I don't care about anything. I've just got to run. After what seems like forever, I reach the steps of his apartment. I have to slow down. My head is pounding as I climb up. I can't hear any sounds from inside now. I bang the door open with my shoulder.  
  
I will never, ever forget what I saw.  
  
It will haunt my dreams all my life.  
  
A scar, imprinted in my mind.  
  
At first all I see is Eiri. I want to tell him to get out quick. I want to tell him everything's ok. But all I manage to choke out is a feeble "Eiri- kun..." He drops something he was holding and I see, to my horror, that it is a gun. And I look at where he was staring.  
  
He's dead.  
  
That bastard is dead.  
  
I don't feel happy. And I don't feel sad. I feel like I don't care. After what he did. Or what I think he did. I run over to Eiri and hug him tightly. He starts crying, badly. He must have...that bastard...  
  
"It's not your fault." I want to cry as well. I'm the one who made him go. I'm the one that made him angry and let him come here. It's all my fault. I tell him that. His grip on the back of my shirt tightens, but he doesn't say anything.  
  
Everything's happened so suddenly. One day, our lives are normal, and the next...God, I don't wanna think about what he did...Eiri...My beautiful Eiri...  
  
We sit for a long time. He cries loads. I don't mind. Eventually, he tries to stand up, but his legs give way. I carry him as he limps out of the door. I let him sit on the balcony, get some fresh air. I tell him I'm going back in. He grabs my hand and asks me pitifully not to leave him alone. It breaks my heart. But there's one thing I've got to do. The room smells heavily of alcohol. There is beer and blood all over the floor. I wrap my hand around my jumper and pick the gun up carefully. Then I rub it hard with my sleeve to try and get Eiri's fingerprints off it. If anyone found out...I can't lose him. Not ever.  
  
I drop the gun near the bastard's hand, so it looks like maybe he did it to himself. Then I get out of there as fast as I can.  
  
We get a taxi back to the flat because Eiri can't walk properly. The driver comments on how Eiri looks a bit ill, but I say nothing. We arrive and I help him up the stairs. He's still shaking. I open the door quickly and we stumble in. Eiri looks really sick, so I help him to the bathroom. I stand outside, waiting patiently. He's in there for a long time. At last he comes out and I help him get cleaned up. He starts crying again, silently this time. I don't ask him anything. I take his clothes off for him, not even thinking about how wrong it might have been any other time. But this is now. He pulls his pyjamas on weakly and lays straight back on the bed. I lie next to him, but neither of us can sleep.  
  
We lie, dosing in and out of sleep, never wanting to shut our eyes for too long, in case...Eiri keeps going to the bathroom and throwing up. Still I say nothing.  
  
At about three o'clock in the morning, Eiri speaks very quietly. "Don't...don't hate him, Tohma...It wasn't just him..."  
  
My fist tightens. Now I despise him even more. A thought runs across my mind. 'I wish I could have killed him first'. How many were there? Two? Five? Maybe even more. And how long? How much pain did they put him through?  
  
Now I feel sick. I try and go to sleep to forget.  
  
But I can't.  
  
I'll never forget.  
  
Not ever.  
  
*  
  
A month after they left, I get a sudden phone call from Tohma.  
  
"We're coming home early."  
  
"W-what? When?!"  
  
"Our flight's early tomorrow. Sorry."  
  
"No, there's nothing to be sorry about! I'll be glad to see you. Anyway, what made you decide this?"  
  
"I...I'd rather not...D'you mind if I tell you when we get back."  
  
"Sure..."  
  
"Alright then. Bye."  
  
"...Bye..."  
  
He sounded so tired and stressed.  
  
What happened over there?  
  
*  
  
The last day passes so slowly. And we seem to act in slow motion too. Eiri eats slowly. I pack slowly. We both move slowly, walking around as if in water.  
  
We bought something for Mary, John, Kelly and Sarah. Mary and John like their pot plant very much and sat it's a shame we had to leave so soon. Kelly and Sarah like their hats too. They say they'll wear them with pride and think of me when they do. They don't laugh. I find this nice.  
  
The taxi drives slowly to the airport. The plane moves slowly off the runway. I fall slowly asleep.  
  
It's late when we get back. As Eiri steps off the plane onto his homeland, he takes a deep breath in. It's good to be home.  
  
Mika is waiting nervously for us at the airport. She hugs Eiri a lot and we kiss. Eiri's expression doesn't change, but he stiffens slightly. She carries Eiri's suitcase to the car while I carry the others. We all talk quietly. Mika doesn't press as to what's wrong, although something obviously is. We get back around midnight. She says she saved my room for me. I thank her, but say I should get home. I tell her I'll see her tomorrow.  
  
I walk slowly back home. I look at the few people walking slowly around me. I open the door. Slowly.  
  
The house is just a tip. Not like a few things on the floor. I mean, there's clothes, empty take away packets, rotten food, paper and some things that I don't know what they are piled all over the floor and chairs. You can't see the carpet for all the mess. And the smell...It's rancid. This place has changed. It's not the place I remember. And I don't like it.  
  
"Tohma..." My god...Noriko...She looks like she just came off the streets. Her clothes are a bit too small and she's clutching a thin cover around her. She might be shivering, I can't tell. Her eyes are tired and dark and her voice is so quiet. The Noriko I knew was never quiet. What's happened to her? "God...I'm...so glad you're back." I hug her so tightly. She's very thin.  
  
"Noriko, what happened here?"  
  
"You left." She gave me a very weak smile. "With you gone, we didn't know what to do. We...needed you, Tohma."  
  
I carry on looking round. Everywhere is just as much of a mess as the lounge except the music room. It looks untouched. It looks like they haven't used it since I left. The door to my piano is open. It looks like it was kicked open violently.  
  
When I went, I left it locked.  
  
And nothing, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.  
  
My piano, my baby, the top in splinters, a huge, rusty axe protruding from the inside of the lid, the keys askew, wood everywhere. I can't move, I can't talk, I'm barely breathing... Who...who did this?  
  
"Tohma...I'm so sorry...I couldn't stop him..."  
  
My mind races. Oh my god...  
  
"Wasn't it beautiful?" "He's got such a good voice." "...Oh, shit! Fuck, Tohma, I gotta go! Ryuichi, stop! STO-"  
  
Ryuichi...did this?  
  
How could he? I trusted him. I trusted him with my piano.  
  
Everything's crashing down around me. If I hadn't have come back, I wouldn't have seen my piano. If I hadn't have gone in the first place, nothing would have happened to Eiri. If I hadn't met Mika, I wouldn't have met Eiri, I wouldn't have argued with Ryuichi, I wouldn't have fallen in love with her.  
  
Everything revolves around Mika.  
  
My troubles. My pain.  
  
My life.  
  
My life is Mika.  
  
There is no one else. 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four  
  
A/N - Oh dear...I fear these few chapters may become slightly repetitive until I can think of a plot line. The reason I chose to do this fic is because, lazy though it is, I wouldn't need to do a plot! Cos it's already there. But now I have to fill in the 'missing years'. Nooo...;_; So this chapter is short *gomen....*  
  
A/N2 - Btw, I have no idea how the music industry works, so I'm pretty much making it up as I go along...  
  
1998  
  
I feel distanced.  
  
From Mika, from Eiri, from the world.  
  
I wish I could think all day, but that would bring up all the bad memories. I wish I could sleep all day, but that would give me nightmares. So I don't do either. Instead I wander round in a kind of trance state, barely seeing, barely hearing, barely knowing. I can't do anything. I'm hardly living.  
  
Noriko's trying so hard. She's much better now I'm back. It seems my mere presence makes her feel better, which is good. She tries to get me to play or read or even talk to her; all the things I used to love. But my hands are heavy. My eyes are blurred. My voice has gone. I always find an excuse not to do things, when before I would have jumped at the chance. I lounge around the house all day.  
  
Ryuichi's gone. I thought he would be. Noriko doesn't know. She said after the piano thing, he just left. He put a note on her bed so she'd see it. She says he comes to see her, but never tells her his whereabouts. He always says he's on the move. I don't care if he comes or not. I don't care about anything anymore.  
  
So when he comes I'm lying in my bed, distant, silent. I don't even know it's him at first. I don't care. I don't want to talk to him. He didn't want to talk to me before, why should he now? Apparently he does. He talks and talks and hardly stops to breathe. I want to tell him to shut up but I haven't got the energy. I turn over and pull the covers over my head. He finally stops, thank god.  
  
"Don't you wanna tell me anything?"  
  
"No. Go away."  
  
"...You never used to say that."  
  
"Everything's different now."  
  
"Like how?"  
  
I want to tell him to go away. But I find I can't...I find myself pouring my story, no my heart, out to him. I tell him everything; how I love Mika and Eiri, what happened in America, how I feel now. I don't care what he does or says. I don't feel better having told someone.  
  
He kisses me.  
  
I...It surprises me.  
  
I thought he'd just leave or something.  
  
For a moment I think he's telling me that he still...but no. No. I didn't think that really. Not really.  
  
"Tohma-chan, I probably won't ever do that again."  
  
He grabs my hand and squeezes it tight. It stays limply in his grasp.  
  
"I want you to think who you love best in the whole world. And I want you to go and be the bestest boyfriend ever. Otherwise I'll be sad."  
  
I feel something on my hand. He's crying. Now I care. For the first time since I held Eiri, I care.  
  
"Ryu-chan...Don't cry..."  
  
But he just cries more. He's smiling though, so I think he's not all sad. "You called me Ryu-chan." And he doesn't say anything more than that. He goes, out of the room, out of the house, out of my life.  
  
Not forever, I hope.  
  
*  
  
I...I...I think I've figured out what's going on.  
  
Tohma hasn't actually told me yet. I phoned Noriko, but she said he was too ill to talk to me right now. That makes me even more worried.  
  
Eiri sits in his room all day. He sleeps a lot. He doesn't eat or talk. When I see him, he's always got this kind of wide eyed shocked look. He has nightmares. Tatsuha is scared too. He wants to know what's going on, but he wouldn't understand. I'm not sure if even I understand. I hope I'm wrong, I really do. I suppose I'll have to wait until I can see Tohma again.  
  
How long will that be?  
  
I can't wait much longer.  
  
*  
  
I'm feeling a lot better now. I thought a lot of things over in my mind. Even though I'm hurting, even though I feel like I want to curl up and die, it's nothing compared to what Eiri must be going through. So I can't show it. I try and go back to normal. Noriko seems pleased, but I think she can tell I'm faking most of my smiles. But she doesn't say anything. That's good. She approaches me nervously one day. "Tohma..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
She sits down quickly next to me. "I was thinking maybe...maybe we could start up the band again. We'd gotten so far! I'm sure we're ready for-"  
  
"Noriko, we haven't even got a name."  
  
"Exactly! It'll be like we're starting over! I'll get Ryu-chan to come over and maybe he can sing! You heard his voice, it's so beautiful."  
  
She's right, even though I don't want to admit it. His voice was amazing. I'd love to hear it again. So I nod slowly. She does a little excited squeal and rushes off to phone Ryuichi. I'm surprised to say that I feel almost...excited about this.  
  
"Tohma-chaaan! Ryuichi wants to talk to you!"  
  
I take the phone from her. "Hello."  
  
"Hiya Tohma! I though of a name for us!"  
  
He's obviously using his mobile phone, I can't hear him very well.  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Nettle Grasper."  
  
He must have gone under a tunnel or something, I can't hear him at all.  
  
"What was that? Nittle Grasper?"  
  
"No, Ne...Hey that's even better! Cool, put Noriko back on."  
  
I hand the phone back to her. It's strange; that's the shortest phone call I've ever had from Ryuichi. But I suppose everything's going to be different now. A fresh start. It'll be...  
  
Fun...?  
  
We are sitting nervously in a big room, in a big building. We are in the waiting room at Sora Inc, one of the biggest music companies in Japan. We all jump when the secretary says the president will see us now. I'm going to do all the talking. Ryuichi was way too scared. He brought along that little pink rabbit I gave him for company. It's kinda nice to see he's still got it.  
  
We pull up a chair each and sit around the president's desk. He looks really imposing.  
  
"So, how can I help you?"  
  
"We're..." I gulp, and then compose myself. "I'm Seguchi Tohma, and my friends and I have come regarding our demo tape."  
  
"Which one were you again?"  
  
"N-Nittle Grasper."  
  
He fumbles in his desk drawer and pulls out the CD we recorded our song on. For a moment, his face flashes surprise (even happiness?) then falls back into its blank mask. "Are you the lead vocals on this?"  
  
Ryuichi puts his hand up very timidly. "I am..." He says quietly.  
  
The president raises an eyebrow. "I thought your vocal talents were quite good. I can see you going places." He motions to all of us. "I'd like you to come down to the studios one day and do a proper recording session on this song. In the mean time, try and write a few more." I am speechless. I shake his hand then go out of the room. We go home in silence. As soon as we enter the door, Noriko screams.  
  
"We're gonna be HUGE!"  
  
*  
  
My fingers are shaking as I ring Tohma. I expect him to be like me; a wreck. I wonder what things he'll ask. He probably wants to hear about me, only Eiri. The tone rings once...twice...three times. Ryuichi picks it up. I am surprised yet relieved. I haven't heard his voice in a long time, but...I thought he moved away...  
  
He sounds really out of breath and there's lots of noise in the background. "Moshi moshiiiii!" He shouts down the phone.  
  
"It's Mika." I can't help smiling. His bouncy mood never fails to cheer me up.  
  
"OOOOOH, MIKA-CHAN! I'll get Tohma-chan for you!"  
  
I pause. I try and make out what the noise is. Sounds like music.  
  
"Mika-san!"  
  
"T-Tohma..."  
  
"I'm so very sorry, but I can't talk for long, I'm extremely busy." I was not expecting him to say that. He sounds really happy too.  
  
"I...Eiri wants to talk to you..."  
  
There is a long gap. I can hear his rattled breathing down the phone. "...I'll come over this evening, ne?" His voice is really different from before.  
  
"Ok."  
  
We both put the phone down. How can he...? Is music more important to him than Eiri? It's not like they'll ever get anywhere in life.  
  
*  
  
Each song we give the company pleases the president more. He gives us a two album contract and says he'll release our first single as soon as possible.  
  
It's the day of the release. Noriko and I are standing outside our local music store, waiting for it to open, gripping each others arms. We presume Ryuichi is doing the same, although on his own and at a different shop. Two minutes until the shop opens. We're bursting with excitement.  
  
"Tohma." Noriko looks at me. I think she's going to say something about fame not ruining our friendship. "...I really need to pee."  
  
I laugh and tell her to hold on just a bit more. One minute to go. We can see someone coming to the door. He puts the key in the lock. We hold our breath. It turns so so slowly...That's it! We burst into the shop, almost trampling the poor guy and go over to the 'New Releases' section. Noriko breathes quietly. "We're...we're Nittle Grasper..." She whispers. I look at the banner proclaiming our single.  
  
NITTLE GRASPER  
  
"SLEEPLESS BEAUTY"  
  
There it is. Our fame on a banner in a shop. This could be all we ever get, or we could end up being world famous. I don't know. But I know that from now on, everything's going to be so different.  
  
And I'm strangely excited. 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five  
  
A/N - I am soooooooo sorry about not writing this chapter for ages! I am finding it hard now...Noriko was really OOC in the previous chapter, and now I've tried to make her more in character, but that's harder to write ;_; I tried! *runs off crying*  
  
A/N2 - Just to clarify something. In this fic, Tohma is pretty rich, which is why he can afford all the expensive restaurants, cars, etc. But the reason they were having problems with the rent is that Noriko and Ryuichi refused to let Tohma pay more than them, and when he went to America, he was paying nothing towards it. Hope that clarifies some stuff for you!  
  
1999  
  
"Aren't you excited, Tohma-chan?"  
  
"Well, yes, of course. But it seems so...surreal." I say, but it's drowned out by the sound of a spray-can. Ryuichi's spraying the tips of his hair black, but he's not very good at it, and there's black spots all over the wall behind him. "Here, let me do that."  
  
I put on some gloves, place my hand on his forehead, and take the can. It only takes a few minutes. Ryuichi wanders off to get ready. We've got a concert in three hours. A real, live concert. Even though we're only doing one song, I'm still very nervous. I've never performed on stage before, in front of so many people...  
  
I don't want to think about it, I'll just get more worked up. "Tohma, can you help me with this?" Noriko comes in slowly. Everyone's moving in slow motion. She wants me to do up her corset. It's a really nice one, black with red zips on it. She holds up her hair, and I zip it up the back. I smile softly. Noriko's put on a lot of weight since I got back. And that's a good thing; she's nearly back to what she was before. Her skin isn't so pale anymore, although it looks lighter because of the black outfit. But she's changed. She hardly ever swears anymore, and she's a lot more reserved. She might seem genki some of the time, but it's nothing compared to how energetic she used to be. She told me, the night I came back, that she wondered if she had driven me away because she was too loud. I told her of course not, but I don't think she believed me. I really regret going to America.  
  
In many more ways than one.  
  
Noriko sits beside me on the bed and leans her head on my shoulder contently. "We never thought it would go this far, did we?"  
  
"Mm."  
  
"Is Mika coming?" "Yes. She's got back stage passes for her and her brothers too."  
  
"Cool." She says, non-commitally. Noriko doesn't like Mika-san anymore. She thinks she stole me away. That's ridiculous. I just stopped loving Ryuichi and started loving Mika-san. "You coming down for some lunch?"  
  
"In a minute." I need to do something with my hair. Mika-san always says my hair is so wonderful and soft, and she loves to stroke it. So I want to do something special to it. I filter through Noriko's make up drawer, looking for hair clips. I find a whole bag of tiny blue butterfly clips, and start clipping them into my hair. I count 15 in total. 15 little pony tails scattered across my hair, just for Mika-san.  
  
For some reason, I still don't feel comfortable calling her Mika-chan, or even just Mika. I don't think I ever will.  
  
I walk gracefully down the stairs. Neither Noriko nor Ryuichi comment on my hair; we are used to each others 'unique' styles. I sit down to a steaming bowl of ramen, ponder for a while, then make an announcement I've been meaning to say for some time now.  
  
"I'm going to ask Mika-san to marry me."  
  
Noriko chokes on her noodles. I almost miss a small flutter of extreme sadness cross Ryuichi's face, but I just see it. Noriko is thumping her chest violently to get herself breathing again. "W-what the hell?! How long have you been thinking that?!"  
  
"About three weeks."  
  
Noriko throws her chair onto the floor, storms over to me, and slaps me incredibly hard. She cradles her hand, as if it even hurt her. She is crying. "You BASTARD! Don't you even care an inch for Ryu-chan's feelings?!" And she stomps up stairs, shouting, "Heartless bastard!" at my back.  
  
Well. I thought she'd disapprove, but I wasn't expecting that.  
  
~  
  
Noriko doesn't talk to me at all until we get to Ruido, the studio. Ryuichi is subdued too, but for a different reason. He seems to have chosen to ignore my statement at lunch time. He keeps sipping a bottle of water, and gripping it very tightly. I know he's scared. The biggest audience he's performed in front of to date is three. I'm scared too. I want to take his hand and squeeze it, but Noriko is glaring at me with a look that could kill, so I don't.  
  
When we get on the stage, a rush of excitement sweeps over me. I imagine thousands of screaming fans, shouting our name, "Nittle Grasper!". I run my hands over the keyboard I've been given. It's nice, nicer than my one at home. I press a key. One long, loud note reverberates around the huge room. It's a beautiful sound. Noriko is testing out her own keyboard and Ryuichi's trying out the mike. He seems so shy, I wonder if he'll perform at all.  
  
We wait offstage as the crowd pour in. My heart is beating so fast, I think it will rip out of my chest any minute. Now I am holding Ryuichi's hand, and Noriko's too. I think our feud has been forgotten in the nervous air of the concert. There. A man signals us on. This is it. This is our moment, our five minutes of fame. Noriko, apparently overcome by emotion, pulls us all into a tight hug, then leads us out on stage.  
  
The noise is incredible, even with the ear pieces we've been given. I daren't take mine out, for fear of my ears exploding. But Ryuichi throws his out, taking a step back from the screams and shouts. Someone back stage is signalling madly for him to put the ear piece back in, but he is ignored. Ryuichi turns to us and nods. The crowd goes silent. Ryuichi looks different; a way I've never seen him before. It's almost like...the world around us is some kind of beautiful drug, and he's drinking every second of it in.  
  
My fingers hover, then I begin to play. My hands stumble across each other for a moment, before I get the swing of things. The sounds of a pre- programmed guitar ring across the stage and out of the speakers. Then Ryuichi starts singing, and I get the exact same feeling he must have, sucking in each word, each note, making them fill my dizzy head with images and memories so intense I think I will faint.  
  
But I keep on, and so does he, and Noriko too. I scan the crowd, surprised at the energy it takes to move my head and eyes. I notice, on the bridge across the crowd, a two men watching us intently, and I wonder if they are talent scouts.  
  
Before I have realised it, my fingers have stopped playing, Ryuichi has stopped singing, and the song is over. Sweat is dripping down my face as I stumble off the stage. The spotlight has moved from us to another up-and- coming band, yet the rush of performing hasn't yet left any of Nittle Grasper. The backstage crew help us down the stairs to the changing rooms, and I fall onto the sofa in mine, laying dead still. I can hear the band that followed us playing, the still loud screams of the crowd in my ears (I wonder if I can actually hear them, or if it's just a memory).  
  
I blink several times in order to get my eyes working properly, after being partially blinded by the lights. I manage somehow to keep my feet on the ground even though my head feels lighter than air, and have a good wash. Then I change my clothes. They are practically dripping. I hope Ryuichi is alright; he was wearing a leather top. I put on something baggy and casual, then just sit for a while, thinking, getting my strength back.  
  
Eventually I am called for the backstage party. I still don't feel totally down to earth, but go anyway, and stand in the corner trying to look cool on my own, but failing quite miserably. I feel better when Ryuichi and Noriko join me. Noriko is sipping on a large glass of white wine, and keeps grabbing snacks from passing waiters. This amuses me for some reason. I'm not sure why...  
  
*  
  
I haven't seen him for so long. It feels like forever. So I feel really nervous now, in the throng of celebrities, looking for him.  
  
"There they are." Eiri points. I walk over very slowly, holding Tatsuha's hand. He's getting older now, but he's a bit shy. Eiri hangs back, an indecisive look on his face. He decides to come forward with us. I wave.  
  
"MIKA-CHAN!" Ryuichi cries, diving for me. It would be impolite to tell him to get off, so I pat him on the head awkwardly.  
  
"Mika." Noriko doesn't look at me. I don't think she likes me at all.  
  
"Mika-san, I'm so glad you made it." Tohma kisses my cheek lightly. God, how I missed his voice, his touch, his warm lips...  
  
Eiri bows politely. "Oyasumi, Seguchi-san." Both Tohma and my eyes widen. Eiri has never called Tohma 'Seguchi-san' because they were such good friends. But there seems to be some kind of distance between them now. I know Tohma blames himself for what happened in America, however many times I've told him it wasn't his fault. Ugh. I shudder at the mere thought of... I don't want to talk about it anymore.  
  
Tatsuha is attempting to hide behind me. He is staring at Ryuichi, blushing madly. Ryuichi spots him and smiles and says "Hey-lo!"  
  
"O-oyas-sumi..."  
  
I don't think Ryuichi has ever been shy in his life, and probably never will be, so he looks confused at Tatsuha's behaviour. He crouches down so his eyes are level with my little brother's and grins. Tatsuha can't help smiling. "...Miraculously as we met by c-chance..." He mumbles.  
  
Ryuichi's grin spreads even further, if that's possible. He hugs Tatsuha, whose face is now glowing bright red. "Oooh, a fan boy! Are you Tatsuha?" A small nod. "You're so cute Ta-chan!" I gently pull him back for fear of Tatsuha exploding from happiness. Since Nittle Grasper don't have an album out yet, Tatsuha just sits in his room playing the single over and over again. I'll try and ask Tohma if I can get him something else to listen to; as much as I like their song, hearing it 17 times a day does get slightly annoying.  
  
Tohma laughs softly, and my heart flutters in my chest. "I didn't know Tatsuha-san liked our music."  
  
"He's been a fan for quite some time." How is my voice keeping so calm? "You're very popular you know."  
  
"I hadn't really thought about it." I look at him to see if he's joking, but no, he's totally genuine. It doesn't matter to him whether or not Nittle Grasper become world famous, or if they remain a one hit wonder. He doesn't need the money or the respect or the contacts. He's already got those. He does this because it's his dream. To me that's...a most incredible thing...To me, who was bought up knowing that only by keeping your feet on the ground could you get anywhere.  
  
He's so incredible...  
  
"Excuse us." I turn around. There's two men behind me. I didn't hear them come up. "A moment with the band please." I don't understand what he's saying. They-  
  
Tohma puts his hand on my arm. "It's alright, Mika-san." He turns to the man. "She's not our manager. If you'd come this way please..." He leads the men into a room, Noriko and Ryuichi tagging along. The door shuts.  
  
I...what's going on?  
  
*  
  
"Do you speak Japanese?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I feel relieved. "Good." Even with the time I spent in America, my English isn't great. "I saw you watching us on the bridge." Noriko nods. She obviously did too. "My name is Seguchi To-"  
  
"I know your name." I frown. This man is rude, and is talking only to me, and not Noriko or Ryuichi. "I would like us to speak again, in private." He is deliberately speaking English so only I can understand him. His companion looks worried.  
  
"Despite the fact that I have known you less than five minutes and you have already insulted me twice, I will meet with you."  
  
He smiled, an ugly grin, and handed me a card. "I'll have you know that plagiarism is against the law." And then he left. I looked at the card. It read:  
  
Nittle Grasper Productions  
  
Est. October 1998  
  
Music and Music Management  
  
Claude Winchester  
  
Agent / Talent Scout  
  
"That bastard..." I mumble. "He stole our name."  
  
~  
  
But still, I find myself, three days later, sitting in the waiting room of Nittle Grasper Productions. I bet I could sue them or something, but I can't be bothered to go through all the legal business. I'm getting lazy these days. I am motioned into a stuffy, messy office. I recognise the man as Mr. Winchester's companion. He looks extremely stressed as he attempts to clean up the papers on his desk, and find a chair in the rubbish for me to sit on. He manages to do so, though I wonder whether what I am sitting on is actually safe as it creaks worryingly when I perch on it.  
  
The man bows very low, and I bow back. "It's such an honour to have you here, Seguchi-san. I'm sorry for the...ah, the mess, but I have been quite...quite busy as of late." I do believe he is blushing. "Well, uh, you spoke to K-san...I mean, Claude. He was very interested in...ah..."  
  
"Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but why exactly am I here?" He wasn't really getting to the point, and seemed like he needed a little prompt. "Of course! Well, our boss is interested in giving you a job."  
  
I stared at him, then made to leave.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
"I already have a job."  
  
He grabs my arm, brushing the skin, then pulls it away quickly. "Seguchi- san. Please forgive me for saying this but...He is your father. I think you have some kind of duty to-"  
  
I silence him with a wave of my hand. I have that kind of power over some people. "He has never acknowledged me as his son before. Why should he start now?"  
  
"He is dying sir."  
  
"...Then let him die."  
  
*  
  
Tohma hasn't called for more than a week. I'm worried about him. I saw Ryuichi in the street and asked him what was wrong with Tohma. He said it was something to do with his father. I don't know anything about his dad. I know his Mum's dead but...  
  
"Hey Eiri, you know anything about Tomah's dad?"  
  
Eiri is writing. We don't have a computer so he's scribbling away on a huge pad of paper. There are other papers strewn across his room and his bin is overflowing with what I presume are reject ideas. But there's one pile, at least a hundred pages, in a clean space tied up with a ribbon on his desk. As soon as I come in, he shoves the pad under his bed and runs to hide the pile. I pretend like I don't know he's doing but I've read some of the story when I cleaned his room before. It's really good.  
  
"What?!" He says impatiently. I have to say, he's becoming a bit of a jerk really. Puberty has made him moody.  
  
"I said did Tohma ever tell you about his dad."  
  
"He said...they don't get along. His father...disowned him."  
  
I stand upright. "...Oh...I guess when he found out about..."  
  
"Yeah." There is an awkward silence. Then Eiri glares at me. "You can go now." I glare back, then slam the door. He really has changed. I'm a little sad. We used to sit and talk and laugh together, and now he barely talks to anyone. I don't think it's what happened in America that caused it, although that must have played a part. I can't really tell...  
  
The phone rings, breaking my thoughts.  
  
"Moshi moshi?"  
  
"Mika-san..."  
  
"Tohma..."  
  
"Can you come over?"  
  
"Sure. Now?"  
  
"Yes please."  
  
I go as quickly as I can. It's cold out. Well it's not really, but I didn't put a coat on. I reach his house quickly, and I'm shivering as I get there.  
  
"Mika-san! You must be freezing." He pulls me in and the warmth hits me like a pleasant wind, and he starts rubbing my arms and shoulders to get me warmed up. It's nice. More than nice in fact. I...Am I taller than him? No, no we're about the same height. Maybe he's a bit shorter than me. Not that it matters.  
  
He takes me to his bedroom and I get a lot of thoughts of things I was told would send me to hell. But I manage to compose myself enough to listen to him speak. It's obviously quite important to him.  
  
"Mika-san, I don't have...good relations with my father. We haven't seen each other for at least fifteen years." Fifteen...? That's so long...I have to see my father everyday. I should really move out sometime... "He owns a large company. I was never sure what he did, and I didn't care. But I have been looking into it." He shuffles slightly. "He used to make records, and then CDs. I had no idea it was anything to do with music. And just after our band formed, he changed it into a music industry, and changed the name to Nittle Grasper Productions."  
  
"Wait that's-"  
  
"I know. And now...he...he's very ill and he will soon die." I stroke his hand reassuringly, but he doesn't look sad. "He changed because he wanted to manage my band. Because he feels bad about everything he did. Because he wants his son back." There is a look in his eyes, a malevolent look, that I have never seen before, and it scares me. "And now he wants me to take over the business. I've always wanted to be in music, and now I am, but I could take it one step further...But I cannot forgive him."  
  
I look at him hard, then give me opinion, if he wants to hear it. "Tohma, I think you should go for it. I think...even if you don't like him, you care about him somewhere inside. He's done this for you, because he was wrong. You should take this opportunity because you might never have another chance."  
  
*  
  
I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm back here at NG Productions, about to take over from the man I despise. If this goes horribly wrong, I only have Mika to blame.  
  
"Nittle Grasper Productions, how may I help?"  
  
"Yes, I'd like to speak to Seguchi-san please."  
  
The secretary is barely looking at me. I have the suspicion she is doing her nails under the desk. As soon as I'm boss, she'll be the first to go. "Do you have an appointment?"  
  
"I'm his son, for Christ's sake."  
  
"Do you have an appointment, sir?"  
  
"...I...No."  
  
"Then I'm sorry sir, but you cannot see him."  
  
I don't believe this either! I'll...wait, that man I spoke to before. Maybe I can see him. "Then can I talk to...er..." Oh well this is embarrassing. He never told me his name. "That man...you know the stressed one..." The secretary is looking at me so patronisingly and I feel so stupid. I look around desperately.  
  
...There! "Him!" I point.  
  
"I'm sorry sir, but-" I don't wait for her to finish. I run over and grab his arm.  
  
"S-Seguchi-san!"  
  
"Your name, what is it?" Just get straight to the point...  
  
"Er, Sakano, sir."  
  
I still haven't let go. "Don't call me sir."  
  
"Then...what shall I call you?" This is it. I can turn round and run like a girl. Or I can face my future. And my father.  
  
"You can call me...Shachou." 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six  
  
A/N - Hi there! I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, so I had to write more of MM! This chapter is very, very, very angsty. After all my humour fics, I needed to write aaaaangst! Enjoy...  
  
2000  
  
"How does it look? Ok?"  
  
"It looks amazing." I twirled around in my dress. It billowed out a little, but not much, because the top half was almost skin tight. But I didn't want something huge. I wanted something special. "You look amazing." Eiri placed a wreath of white flowers on my head to complete the outfit. I know it's kinda weird to have a guy helping you with your wedding dress, but I had few other people who could do it. Eiri was more than a little reluctant, but I think he's glad he agreed now.  
  
Yeah, it's...my wedding day...I'm not as calm as I seem on the outside. I'm panicking inside. I'm tearing out my metaphorical hair. Tohma said that to me once. Now it's a phrase I use all the time. It makes me laugh. Actually I guess I feel pretty amazing. I mean, I'm getting married to the most wonderful, funny, beautiful man in all of Japan. What's not to be happy about?  
  
When Tohma proposed to me, I cried. When I put on the ring, I cried. When I bought my dress, I cried. I'm not crying now. But I think I will when we get into the church.  
  
I take a deep breath and turn to Eiri, smiling. "An hour to go."  
  
*  
  
"Is my tie straight?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Does my hair look Ok?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"How do I smell?"  
  
"For god's sake! Oooh, you smell like a steaming turd!" Noriko laughs at me, and nudges my arm. "You know you look great Tohma."  
  
"Sorry," I say a little sheepishly. "I'm nervous."  
  
"I know you are baby." Noriko gives me a big hug and kisses my cheek. "You'll be just fine. I mean, this is what you want right?"  
  
"Of course it is!" We sit on the bed. "It's just...It's been just us three for as long as I can remember. Won't it be strange for you? Having Mika-san as one of us?"  
  
"She's already one of us." Noriko says, sighing. By the sound of her voice, it's as if she wishes what she's saying isn't true, even though she knows it is. I rub her hand gently. Noriko hasn't quite accepted Mika-san yet. This worries me. I just want us all to get along. I know Noriko would never start any trouble but...I change the subject. Luckily Noriko doesn't seem to notice. "Hey, you look great too." She is dressed in a very sexy red dress with a little furry jacket the same colour, and she looks stunning. I'm quite sure she won't be going home alone tonight.  
  
"Thanks! So, you wanna see how the ole best man looks?" I nod, but as I get up to go, she grabs my hand tightly. "Tohma...You know we love you right?"  
  
"I know."  
  
"Just don't forget that ok?"  
  
"I won't ever forget it." I go and knock on Ryuichi's door. "Ryuichi? You decent?" No answer. "Ryuichi?" Louder this time. Noriko shrugs, so we go in.  
  
"...Oh......fuck..."  
  
*  
  
I'm dreading it. I'm loving it. I can't walk or speak. I want to run and scream. I've never had any feeling like this before because nothing this overwhelming has ever happened before. I'm shaking more than I shook at my mother's funeral.  
  
As Eiri and I walk down to the church, we are both silent. He's giving me away. Father is happy for me, but he didn't want to come to a Christian based marriage. He's very devout.  
  
"Oneechan, look..." Eiri points.  
  
"T-Tohma! What are you-?!" He's panting. He's obviously been running a lot. He grips my arms as Noriko runs up behind him, in tears. "It's bad luck for you to see..."  
  
His eyes are red. I think he's been crying too. I've never seen him cry. And when he speaks his voice is high and strained. He's never, ever been like this before. "Mika-san...It's off. The wedding's off...Ryu-chan's gone..."  
I...can't do anything...can't...cry...or scream...or even move...Eiri is talking to me...I think...But I can't really hear him. There are people around me...my friends...  
  
"...Where's Tohma...?" I manage to croak out...my throat is dry...I need a drink. Eiri says something...don't know...here's Tatsuha...  
  
"Mika-neechan, why'd he dump you?" The words pierce right through me. A realisation...Tohma...he left me...on our wedding day...That...  
  
"That bastard!" Now there are tears streaming down my face. "That fucking bastard! I hate him! I never want to see him again!" I break down onto my knees. Eiri hugs me tightly, if a little awkwardly.  
  
"I won't let him come near you, Oneechan."  
  
*  
  
"His mobile! Did you try his mobile?!" Noriko asks me frantically. She is scouring Ryuichi's room for a note or address or anything that might tell us where he is.  
  
"No, good idea." I grab the phone. My hands are trembling badly as I dial the number. I...I'm scared...What if Ryuichi's been kidnapped or worse? I...can't even imagine life without him...The phone is ringing. I beg for him to pick it up.  
  
"What the-NO!" Noriko cries. She pokes her arm out the door, holding..."Ryuichi's left his mobile here!" Then...then he must have been kidnapped! We told him not to go anywhere without it, in case of emergency. And this is an emergency.  
  
Riiiiiing.  
  
The phone.  
  
Riiiiiing.  
  
"Pick it up, Tohma." I edge towards it.  
  
Riiiiiing.  
  
My hands are shaking so badly I can barely hold it. "M-moshi moshi...?"  
  
"Tohma-chan."  
  
I let out a huge sigh of relief, and give Noriko the thumbs up. She mumbles something about strangling Ryuichi when he gets home. "Where are you?"  
  
"At the airport."  
  
I freeze. "What? Why?"  
  
"I need to go away for a while. K's here with me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"We're going away for a while, Tohma-chan."  
  
"...Why...?" My voice is desperate now. I can't think of anything else to say. Up 'till now, Ryuichi's voice has been dead calm, dead straight. But now I can hear him getting upset. Properly upset, not like when he just cries at anything.  
  
"I don't...don't want..."  
  
"I can't hear you, you're mumbling."  
  
He takes in a shuddered breath. He might be crying. I can't tell. To my surprise, I find I am.  
  
"I can't handle you getting married, Tohma."  
  
"But...but you were fine with it!"  
  
"No, no I wasn't! You don't understand me at all!"  
  
I'm angry now. How can he say that?! Of course I understand him! "You have no right to say that! You were my boyfriend for three fucking years, how could I not understand you?!"  
  
"Tohma, listen to me!" He shouts it loud in my ear. I stop again, startled. It's strange for him to be so serious. He speaks quietly, when he does eventually. "I had...this dream of us. I had our lives planned out. I thought we would be together for always. I thought that even when he were bickering old sods, we'd still be together." He sniffs. "To be perfectly honest, I had...I...I'd expected you to propose to me. I wanted to marry you Tohma. And I can't bear to see you married to someone else. I didn't show it, because you were so happy, but I'm a selfish person, Tohma." He pauses for a long time. His words sink into me, and it hurts. "I love you so much, but you love Mika."  
  
I shake my head, even if he can't see me. "No, I love you, I love you..."  
  
"It doesn't matter now."  
  
I can't say anything for a long time. My grip on the phone gets tighter. "...Where are you going...?"  
  
He's gone back to that monotonous voice. "America."  
  
"When will you be back...?"  
  
"Don't know. A few years. Don't try and call me Tohma. Tell Noriko...I'm sorry. I'll get in touch. Bye." And with that he's gone. I put the phone down. I've started shaking again. Noriko is staring at me, eyes wide in shock.  
  
"Where is he? What's going on, Tohma?!"  
  
I swallow, but my throat is dry. "Ryuichi's...gone to America...he's not...coming back..."  
  
I can't see Noriko's eyes. It's scaring me. I'm not very easily scared. She whispers something. I can't hear, and I tell her this. "...Get out." I start to speak, but she cuts me off. "Get out of here."  
  
"Nori-"  
  
"Don't even speak to me!" She screams at me. I take a step back. "Just get the fuck out of here! First you break Ryu-chan's heart, then you drive him out of this house, and out of this country! You're like a fucking curse! Just go, before you hurt anyone else!"  
  
And I run. I have known Noriko for many years now, and I have never seen her like this. And I am scared, I really am. I have no where to go. I can't go to Mika's. Mika...What have I done to you? Maybe I really am...a curse...I make my way through the cold night towards NG Productions. Thank god my key is in my pocket. I never go anywhere without it. I wander through the darkness up to my office. By the time I reach it, I am so tired from my anger and my sadness, and the running, that I just collapse on the floor. It's hard, but I don't care. I curl up and wrap my coat around me, and listen to the rain outside, until I found I've cried myself to sleep.  
  
*  
  
"Should I ring him?"  
  
Eiri scowls. "No. I will."  
  
I watch him punch the numbers into the phone. When he's really angry, he gets really angry. I'm not angry. Just sad. Just very sad. Tohma doesn't love me. He probably never did. I bet he just went along with me out of pity. I don't care anymore. Ryuichi is obviously more important to him than I am. There's nothing I can do, so why get upset about it?  
  
I watch Eiri's changing expressions on the phone. First anger, then shock, then agreement, then anger again. He puts the phone down. "Ukai-san's kicked him out."  
  
Well. I wasn't expecting that. "W-what?!"  
  
"She said he's been a bastard to both you and Ryuichi, and he doesn't deserve either of you. She doesn't know where he is, and she doesn't care. I think she's right."  
  
Oh my god...what if Tohma's stuck out in this rain? What if he gets ill? "We have to find him! He might die out there!"  
  
"Good." I stare at Eiri is surprise. Isn't he worried at all? "Mika, he really has been a bastard to you. You should find someone better than him. Forget about him."  
  
Eiri...you don't understand..."I've loved him for so long, Eiri...I can't just..." He hugs me again, more easily this time.  
  
"Mika. He has ruined your life. How can you still say you love him?"  
  
*  
  
"S-Seguchi-san!" I am shaken awake by a worried looking Sakano-san. I try and get him off me; I want to die here.  
  
"Leave me alone." I say groggily. My face is wet and my eyes are dry. I must have been crying in the night too. I bet my hair looks awful.  
  
"Seguchi-san, what happened to you?" I try and get up, but my legs ache and I fall onto my knees again.  
  
"Sakano-san," I mumble. "I have just stood up my fiancée at the altar. Ryuichi has run away, and Noriko has thrown me out. I want to die in peace." I rest my head on his shoulder. "Go. Away." But he doesn't, and I am glad. I don't want to be left alone really. God, I just...Is it so much to ask that I just want someone to love me? I'm crying again. Sakano-san has never ever seen me cry. I'm making his suit all wet. "...Can I stay at your place?" I sound so feeble and pathetic that it hardly sounds like me speaking at all.  
  
"As long as you need to, sir."  
  
"...Thank you..." 


	7. Chapter Six Part II

Chapter Six Part II  
  
A/N - Sorry again for the wait. . .Just pointing out a mistake I can't be bothered to change. In the last chapter, I accidentally called Noriko by her married name, Ukai. Sorry about this, didn't mean to. Hope you enjoy this next chapter!  
  
2000  
  
*Two weeks later*  
  
. . .Ow. My head hurts. I hate hangovers. My own fault I guess. Lately, all I seem to do is drink. I don't go to work, I don't play, nothing. Just sit around the house drinking. I'm afraid I'm turning into Eiri. Now that he's in his new house, his fridge is just beer and cheese. I hate cheese.  
  
"Seguchi-san?"  
  
Ow. . .Ugh every noise I hear is like bricks pounding on my head.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"No. . ."  
  
"I made you some coffee."  
  
I sit up and glare at Sakano-san. He cowers a little. "I don't need everything done for me. I'm capable of making coffee." Even so I sip it gratefully. Sakano-san looks relieved. He seems to feel that everything he does has to be up to my standard. I probably make him like that. I've been so down lately, and that's made me very irritable. Ugh. This has probably been hell on him too. I've been constantly bitching to him and at him, and I think he is thoroughly scared of me now.  
  
". . .Sorry." I say reluctantly.  
  
"For what?"  
  
I sigh deeply into the mug. "I haven't been myself lately. I'll. . .go if you want."  
  
Sakano-san sits down next to me. The only time he isn't panicking is when he's tired. And right now he looks very tired. It's probably my fault. I can't remember very clearly, but I think he had to practically drag me home last night. "If I'd wanted you to go, I'd have asked you by now."  
  
I don't believe that for a second, but don't say so.  
  
"Are you going into work today. . .?"  
  
I don't want to. I don't have to. But I suppose I should. "I've got things to sort out with Noriko." Sakano-san looks down, a little sadly. "I'll. . .come in at lunch time, okay?" Sakano-san smiled at me, then left to get ready to go.  
  
I flopped back down onto my makeshift 'bed', as in, the floor. I need to phone Noriko today. She and I have come to a mutual agreement. Although she said she was sorry for kicking me out, we both agreed we need some time apart. Though I love Noriko dearly, our only real link was Ryuichi, and now he's gone. Back at school, I never would have become friends with her without Ryuichi. It's. . .strange really.  
  
Though Sakano-san denies it, I'm sure I'm annoying him. So I'm moving out. I haven't told him yet. I'll see first if my cousin Suguru will have me, and if not, I'll find a hotel somewhere. It's not just for him; I need some time alone. To think. Think about my future, and the future of Nittle Grasper. It hasn't been publicly announced that Ryuichi's left yet, but it's only a matter of time. There are shady rumours. So eventually, I drag myself up and to the phone. I've used it a few times, to phone in sick and whatnot. I haven't phoned Mika yet. I'm trying to avoid Mika at the moment. I'll have to face up to her sooner or later.  
  
The phone rings a few times, when there is a click and I am blasted back by the sounds of 'No Doubt'. Noriko can't understand the words, but loves them anyway. "Ukai desu!" She shouts down the phone, just loud enough to be heard.  
  
"It's Tohma!" I shout back. The music gets quieter. "It's Tohma."  
  
"Oh hi! Everything alright?"  
  
"Yeah, it's fine. Is it alright if I come over and get the rest of my stuff?"  
  
"Sure, come on over. Seeya in a minute."  
  
"Bye." I put the phone down, write a note for Sakano-san, grab the key he gave me, and leave. It's a fairly nice day, but I'm not looking forward to the days to come. We've got a press conference in two days to either confirm or deny the rumours. Noriko said she told Ryuichi this last time he phoned her, but he hasn't rung about it yet. I don't want to say Nittle Grasper have split up, but what else can I do? We've been top of the charts for weeks with our second single, Shining Collection. Seven, if I remember correctly, three more than Sleepless Beauty. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I don't want to let our fans down.  
  
I don't know. . .if I'll be able to say. . .  
  
The train I'm on is nearly empty. Sakano-san lives right out of town so I've got to catch it to see Noriko. I know she's uncomfortable with all this as well. What if-  
  
"Excuse me. . ." I focus suddenly. Two teenage girls are standing nervously in front of me. "S-Seguchi-sama desu ka. . .?"  
  
"Ah, hai."  
  
They giggle excitedly. "Please can we have your autograph?" I nod and smile. For the first time this week, it's not a fake smile. I'm genuinely happy to see our fans. I take the two books they are holding out and ask them their names. "I'm Tamayo, and she's Koroki." I sign them both.  
  
"We always keep these books on us," the other girl, Koroki says, "In case we meet anyone famous."  
  
"But you're the first person who's signed them."  
  
"I'm very honoured then." I hand them back.  
  
They blush brightly, and point to the chairs next to me. ". . .Ano. . .Can we. . .?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
They giggle insanely for a while, then sit down. I really don't mind at all. If I have the chance to give someone five minutes of happiness, I'll gladly take it.  
  
"A-ano. . .Is it true. . .about Sakuma-sama?" I knew they were going to ask it.  
  
"There's a press conference on television soon. I'll be talking about it then." Noriko told me once, always avoid a question. I'm sure she meant it for the press, but I've gotten into the habit now. There is a pause just long enough to make it awkward, but eventually Koroki started to make some small conversation.  
  
"This is my stop." I said after a while. They looked quite sad, but cheered up when I said, "It was very nice talking to you." It really was; they had given me a distraction for all the hell in my life right now. The city air hit me as I walked off the train. It was nice, familiar. Sakano-san lived right out in the middle of nowhere, and since I hadn't been to work for a fortnight, it feels good to be back here. It almost feels like I'm just walking home, going to Noriko's house.  
  
. . .That's right. It's just her now. I wonder if she's lonely.  
  
My question is answered as someone who is obviously not Noriko answers the door. "May I help you?" A middle aged man asks me. I blank. Have I got the wrong apartment? No, definitely not. Did Noriko move?! She can't have! I stand there mumbling "Uh. . .er. . ." over and over until I am finally saved.  
  
"Tetsuya-ku~n!" Noriko bounds up behind him and wraps her arms around his neck. He blushes a little behind his moustache. "I told you Tohma was coming today!" She winks at me. " Come on in." I gape slightly as a wander in. I'm sure she has never flirted with me before.  
  
"Who was that?!" I ask while Noriko and I make tea in the kitchen.  
  
"Huh? Oh, Ukai Tetsuya-kun! He's my boyfriend."  
  
I almost drop the sugar bowl in surprise. "He's hardly a boy!"  
  
She pouts at me. Her hips jut out sexily and her face is so cute and pink. "Who cares how old he is? He's great!" She's the great one. I've never seen her look so gorgeous. She's seems so. . .carefree. Did we tie her down, Ryuichi and I? I wonder. She takes Ukai-san his tea, then comes back and pulls up a chair. "So. I guess we need to talk then."  
  
"Mm."  
  
She's sobered up now. "What're we gonna tell them?"  
  
"The truth. We'll tell them that Nittle Grasper is no more."  
  
*  
  
"Are you going to watch it?"  
  
I bit my lip nervously. "I suppose I should."  
  
Eiri sighs at me. "You don't have to do anything."  
  
"No, I will watch it."  
  
Tatsuha is already in front of our small TV. He's hoping to see Ryuichi, but I somehow doubt he'll be able to. What Tohma said. . .Ryuichi's gone? Gone where? This might have ruined my life, but I can't help worrying about Ryuichi.  
  
Riiiiiing.  
  
"I'll get it." I pick it up. "Uesugi desu."  
  
"Mika-chan? Is that you?"  
  
I almost drop the phone in surprise. "R-Ryuichi!"  
  
Tatsuha practically falls off the sofa. "Sakuma-san?! Where, where? Lemme talk to him!"  
  
"Shut up, Tatsuha, this is important! How did you get this number?"  
  
"From Noriko-chan. Please listen to me Mika-chan." His voice is slightly urgent. "You've got to go see Tohma-chan." I feel suddenly angry. I bet Tohma put him up to this. I tell him that. "We. . .we haven't spoken since I left. . ."  
  
". . .Why not?"  
  
"Because I'm angry at him! He just. . .left you there! How could he do such a horrible thing?! But Mika-chan. . .Please don't hate him. . .You two are so perfect together. He loves you so very much. Please, you have to go and see him. Just talk to him." There is a pause while I let his words sink in. When he spoke again, his voice is very quiet. "I have to go now."  
  
"Ryuichi. . .where are you?"  
  
". . .America." And he hung up.  
  
*  
  
I don't like it. The noise, the flashing cameras. It's not like when we perform. The mood is tense, accusing. The voices are harsh, uncaring for me, just hungry for gossip. They come at me, again and again, each like a stab to my chest.  
  
"Seguchi-san, why haven't Nittle Grasper released any singles lately?"  
  
"Seguchi-san, are Nittle Grasper breaking up?"  
  
"Seguchi-san, where is Sakuma-san?"  
  
I turn to Noriko and whisper to her, "I need some fresh air."  
  
She panics. "I can't handle all this!"  
  
". . .Me neither."  
  
I announce that we need a break, and some bodyguards help us through the throng onto a balcony. There are still reporters outside the building. They try to shout up to us, but we ignore them. Noriko lights up a cigarette. She'd taken up just after we started the band. She said it helped with the stress. She waves her box at me. "Want one?"  
  
". . .What the hell." I take one and she lights it for me. It's disgusting. I have no idea what people see in them. I flick it over the balcony, hoping it hits one of the people below. They're still calling to us.  
  
"Think we should go back inside?"  
  
"Just another minute." What I really need is some peace and quiet, but this can't be helped. It can't be avoided. "Alright then." I sigh.  
  
"Tohma! TOHMA!"  
  
T-that voice!  
  
I stick my head over the balcony and shout as loud as I can, "MIKA-SAN! Wait there, I'm coming down!" I run through the crowd, just pushing anyone in my way. I have to get to Mika-san! She. . .she's come back to me. . .I can't. . .There! I run towards her and hold her as tightly as I can. My hands tangle in her hair and I kiss her forehead, saying her name over and over again. God, I'm just. . .I can't believe she's come back to me. . .I love her so much it almost hurts. . .That saying comes to mind, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Even though it's only been a few weeks, it feels like forever. . .  
  
"T-Tohma. . ." Her voice is laboured. "I'm sorry. . ."  
  
"No, no, shh now, Mika-san. . .It's me who should be saying that. I'm so sorry, I really am. . ." I register vaguely that it's started to rain. I don't care. My hair's sticking to my face, there's cameras flashing all around me, I don't care one bit. I only care about Mika-san.  
  
Mika-san. . .  
  
*  
  
"I can't believe you're doing this. I'm so pissed off at you."  
  
I smile at Eiri. "I know you are."  
  
"He doesn't deserve you."  
  
"Yes, you keep saying that."  
  
"I hate him."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
". . .Shut up."  
  
We're walking down the aisle. The church looks absolutely beautiful. It's filled with white lilies, my favourite flower. I can hear people crying. Noriko is crying. I think she doesn't mind me so much anymore. I'm glad. I always liked her.  
  
This is not a dream. It's real.  
  
There's Tohma. He told me when he asked Sakano-san to be his best man, the poor guy almost fainted. I wish. . .I wish Ryuichi were here to see this. I bet Tohma does too, a lot more than me. Tohma looks gorgeous in his deep blue suit, with a red rose in the breast pocket. He looks so happy. Are. . .are his eyes misty? He's. . .crying. . ..? I've never seen him cry. . .I've never seen anyone smile and cry at the same time, even though I've done it myself. This is the effect we have on each other. I think Ryuichi was right.  
  
The priest is talking now, but I'm not really hearing him. In fact, everything is silent. I take one more glance around the church. Eiri is glaring at Tohma with a look that could kill. Somehow, this just makes me smile more. Now I can hear. I can hear Tohma speaking. I can see his mouth moving, his beautiful eyes spilling over with tears, but his voice still strong.  
  
"I do." 


End file.
